26/05/2012

Discipline + Trust = Love! – Part 2*

Posted in Encouragement, Family, Musings, Self-Awareness tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:36 am by The Water Bearer

In my previous blog Discipline + Trust = Love I took you through the story of my emotionally manipulative behaviour and how perhaps a lack of discipline and trust contributed to it. I hope it helps others recognise similar behaviour in themselves, and to learn how to access powerful angels to combat this all too common inner enemy. Please read the previous one first, as it sets the foundation for this post.

If you would like to hear more about the emotional trials I faced in my relationships and the success that came from my new perspective have a read of Less Tantrums, More Love. I’d like to keep the focus here to explain more about what God has been trying to help me understand, about how disciplining our children with love helps to build trust and a healthy perspective of how to feel love and be grateful of Godly discipline.

Discipline means, the trait of being well behaved; a branch of knowledge; and training to improve strength or self-control. Trust means, the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others; allow without fear; and complete confidence in a person or plan.

Seeing as I am a parent currently learning these lessons myself, I feel my readers may as well be learning this right along with me. God has been showing me that it is our job as parents to seek His advice in deciding what is right for our children and stick to that with all the tenacity and prayer we can muster, even if they don’t like it, even if they panic, and even if they cry! The hope is that this may help them develop strength, self-control, good behaviour and knowledge. If our children learn that they can trust us, they will believe in our honesty and reliability, have complete confidence in us and our guidelines, without fear.

When I first became a parent I was mindful of the problems the lack of discipline in certain areas caused me, I did my best to address this early on, and was indignant if my children battled against me, sometimes I would win and sometimes I would be defeated. However it wasn’t until I developed some faith that I was more able to withstand against their emotional manipulations. I am far from a role model parent, I loose my temper, react badly and still struggle with the effects of my psychological conditions. However, I am willing to try to stick to my convictions and trust that God will cover areas I am unable to! Amen! I always hope to keep improving as a parent so that during times when they may stand against my authority, or when as they grow and begin to decide for themselves, I can adapt with each phase and yet must remember to recognise the enemy’s tricks and pray for the strength to stand strong with Godly principles in mind.

I came to recognise the inner enemy as the force at work that is trying to get parents to crumble under the emotional pressure and allow children to get away with bad behaviour. The only weapon we have against any inner enemy is God’s army of angels we must call upon with faith and the armour which God provides. This article by a fellow blogger explains The Armour of God from the scriptures if you want to read more on this subject.

After many battles of will with my children and seeing the difference the help from my inner angels makes, I am beginning to realise that ‘meaning what you say with love in your heart’ is the most important way of building your child’s trust and gaining their respect. If we offer a punishment for bad behaviour or a disrespectful attitude, and fail to pass it out, why would a child be concerned by our threats and learn to respect us? If we allow our children’s emotions and tantrums to dictate a change in our rules or our decisions, doesn’t that change who’s in authority? Why then, would they trust us to know what is best for them? I believe we need to teach our children to understand that when we insist on what is best for them and what is acceptable behaviour, even if they don’t ‘like’ it, it proves our trustworthy authority over them and therefore our stable, dependable love for them.

I am seeing more and more that Godly discipline is proactive discipline. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ This is an understanding of what the consequences will be before the child continues with bad behaviour, a warning, then following through with the threatened consequence every time they ignore the warning. I hope my girls grow to trust me to mean what I say, and know that I’m trying to teach them that for all of life’s decisions, there will be consequences. Good or bad. God gives us warnings, that small voice of conscience reminding us of what is dangerous or unacceptable behaviour. We can choose to ignore the warning, but be assured there will be a consequence eventually.

Too often tactics of discipline don’t always work, because a quick sting on the hand may cause tears, and parents do not want to cause their precious baby to cry, as quite frankly the baby cries enough already! It then becomes common to wait to begin disciplining until around 2 years old. By this time the child has already gotten away with unacceptable behaviour without understanding consequences, they have no idea how or why to heed a warning.

Usually the frustration parents feel at having no control or no respect from their children can lead to emotionally reactive discipline, for example yelling, swearing, smacking in anger without warning, unreasonable punishments or irrational threats that may sound scary but will never be carried out. Reactive discipline may actually be the cause why the child does not trust us or respect us! From the minute they try to get their own way, we need to take control and mean what we say with love in our heart.

As we grow older it is much easier for us to accept the ups and downs in life if we have a stable foundation to build on. As a child we may feel angry, scared, sad or confused when we aren’t allowed to get our own way, but if we are disciplined correctly we grow up to learn that our parents loved us, were trustworthy, helped keep us safe, to make stable choices and display appropriate behaviour. Wouldn’t that also help us see that when life gives us warnings and consequences, we can interpret that as God’s unfailing, trustworthy, guidance and love for us, rather than acting like defiant children who throws a tantrum when we don’t get our own way.

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7 Comments »

  1. Julie said,

    Keep up the good work

    Like

  2. carrie said,

    Yes Yes YES!!! I apply the same techniques with my children… 0ne two WHACK!!! lol. 🙂 Usually they don’t need the smack, but nowadays people are so scared to actively discipline their children, cause someone may be watching and dob them in for child abuse. All the while not realising the difference between discipline and abuse! The smack on the hand works wonders and gives them enough of a shock to stop, look and listen. 🙂

    I am one of the lucky ones who will not be judged by anyone, but GOD… so I do not feel ashamed about doing what is needed to be done, regardless of what anyone else thinks!!
    So I don’t feel as worried to discipline my children when I see fit to do so. I’m certainly not talking about dragging them to the car kicking, screaming and making a scene. But I certainly won’t feel ashamed, when I know that I am a responsible mother who cares how my children behave in public and how their behaviour affects the people around them.

    One day as I walked through the isles of a supermarket, my youngest daughter kept picking things up off the shelves and trying to throw them into the trolley. Firstly I took the item off her, then I warned her if she did it again I would have to give her a smack, on the third time I took the item off her and smacked her tiny little hand… not hard, but just enough for her to realise I mean’t what I said. That was the end of it, the rest of the shop she kept her hands to herself…. at the time she was only about 18 months old… Almost immediately I got a tap on the shoulder and an elderly woman said “excuse me!”. At first I thought “Oh no, I’m going to get it now!” … but to my complete surprise, she said to me… “I just want to say good on you!!! Noone means what they say anymore and it is wonderful to see that. There should be more mothers who discipline their children and the world wouldn’t be so full of rebelion against their parents!!”

    I was overwhelmed with joy and although I detest smacking my children, I am willing to give up that shame if it means teaching my children respect for their parents and that we are only here to help protect them from worse things happening later in their life, due to not realising what ‘consequences of their actions’ are really about! 🙂

    Back up is certainly the KEY here! 🙂 Thanks

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  3. shay said,

    iam lucky enough to have this beautiful writer as my friend , she is the most beautiful and honest lady i know xxx love ya babe xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Shay! Thank you so so much for dropping in to read some of my writing. I miss you so much and hate that life can distance people the way it does. Thank you for your kind words, it means so much to see them here. So many false friends come and go but you are so special to have stuck with me so long. Love you heaps Babe xxx

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  4. Reblogged this on Inner Angels & Enemies and commented:

    The follow up to my previous post. Sometimes the earlier stuff needs revisiting. 🙂

    Like

  5. I was a school teacher for many years and I have witnessed all kinds of behavior, much of it caused by parents that are toe easy on their kids. It is so important for children to learn from an early age to respect the voice of authority in their home and in school because it is essential in their walk with God. If they don’t respect the parents authority they will not respect any authority. The truth is that having a clear line drawn between what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t give the child a sense of security(even though they might not be fully aware of it). So many problems we see in teenagers today is because they simply do not know right from wrong and have no good moral code on which to base a decision about what they should or should not do.
    When I had my two oldest sons I was very young and inexperienced but by the time I had my third son some time later I had been a teacher and I had learned to actually say “no” and mean it. I used a ping pong paddle ( I know –sounds brutal but trust me I could never paddle that hard I’m too big a softy) But I only used it a few times –usually the threat was enough. The main thing was just being consistent. The hardest thing for parents to do. I know–but it is well worth the effort:)

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