Don’t you hate it when love sucks!?!
When I was a tween I was an awkward, lanky-legged chatterbox, who began to notice boys not long after my parents separated. I was far too nervous to actually have one but I fantasied about having a boyfriend. I longed for someone to smother me in affection and attention.
Yet boys in real life didn’t really notice me.
I guess you could say my imagination got the better of me, for when reality proved the lack of attention I was getting, I would retreat to my bedroom, heartbroken; and write countless poems of devastation and unrequited love.
I believed love should be what I had seen in the movies, and yet never witnessed in real life. It appeared to be something you received, something that filled all the empty places within. To me love in real life seemed desperate and hungry, never satisfied.
As I got older, my figure began to change and I realised that I was getting noticed more and more. I felt for sure that one of these boys was going to be the one to meet all the dreams and security that I craved. Yet time after time I was disappointed. The affection never lasted long and only really had one intention. The attention was never reliable, it fluctuated and dulled over time. Security was a joke, I trusted no one. Those love poems I had written as a young girl became reality over and over again.
“Love can make your heart sore and bloom! And then it ends, over, Kaboom! Left here lying in a puddle of tears, all alone with only my fears!”
I wish I could go back in time and explain to my younger self that everything I thought I knew about love was poisonous and untruthful. That you don’t seek out love simply to receive it, if you do you only create a vacuum. A hollow void that consumes everything in sight and leaves nothing left. I would tell myself that my hunger for love could never be filled by another human being. It could only be filled by God and loving myself, and I must learn how. I had to get to know myself truly, deeply, no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. To expose the places of loss, hurt and fear that had created that vacuum inside me. To allow forgiveness to flood all my imperfections and my regrets.
Through the journey of true self-discovery, I found truth in the pages of God’s Word. I gave those inspired words permission to reveal my true heart, and I soaked up every promise of mercy, of protection and affection, from my Heavenly Father that I possibly could. That emptiness inside me, not only filled but began overflowing!
That is when you can truly experience LOVE! Love from, and for God, and His Precious Son, but also love for one another. Because when your heart longs to GIVE LOVE, you can’t help but feel it’s warm joy and fulfilment.
The snare that so many of us fall for, as we navigate this life of broken promises and vacuum hearts, is believing that we must satisfy ourselves at any expense. That we must seek out our own desires and expect others to fulfil them. It is a desire completely focused on self-gaining, self-serving, and self-seeking. Me, Me, Me, I, I, I.
“Love does not seek its own reward.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)
Accept the abundant love from God Most High, allow it to reveal and heal your broken, vacuum heart. Then go out into your life with the intention to GIVE AS MUCH LOVE AS YOU CAN! Keep on giving, no matter how much is sucked up by others, give more! For Our Father God, who gives love through us, will never run dry. His love endures forever and ever!
It was so incredibly shocking to me when I first realised just how self-deceived I was. The emotional curse I inherited is not just common in me or my family, but within many people and families spread across the globe…. The lying curse. There is something sinister whispering lies to us, using our own voice, our own logic, our own feelings. Hiding deception within the very layers of our understanding of honesty!
The lying curse has been around as long as the human race. It began in the Garden of Paradise when Eve first believed the lie that our Heavenly Father could not be trusted. Her heart knew God was faithful, but her own voice said “How can I know for sure?” Her heart knew she was blessed in paradise with her Man and her Creator as companions, but her logic said “What if there is more that I am missing?”, and her heart knew she should not listen to the lies, but her emotions said “You deserve more!”
When emotions are so powerful, when desires are uncontrollable, our awareness of the lies we tell ourselves becomes woven into the opaque structures of our fallen humanity. YES WE BELIEVE OUR OWN LIES!
We become increasingly focused on our own self-preservation at the expense of others!
The saddest, scariest part about our humanity is that even when we are staring these lies right in the face, our automatic programming to self-defend clouds our willingness to see. No matter how long I have been aware of this curse, no matter how long I have written this blog or tried to share it’s truths, I am unable to reveal awareness of this curse to others.
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” – Benjamin Franklin
You see the only reason I know of this curse and all its toxicity, is because I wanted to know. Before then no one could have convinced me that I was lying to myself, I would have been stubborn and indignant in my own logic that their accusations were unfounded. I would have been offended and defensive.
However something shifted in my heart in my 20’s, something that shattered the false sense of innocence I had been seeing in the mirror up until then. I SAW MYSELF and I was HORRIFIED! I determined myself to do anything to break this curse, and so I began a long intensive journey of self-discovery, using God’s word as my new mirror. I was adamant that I would no longer believe another lie…. Ha who was I kidding! Once I began to pick away at the surface of lies I realised the true depth of them. In that awareness I am levelled at the foot of the cross, in a place where I am dependant on Grace more than BREATH!
It takes a very specific kind of experience to shock us into this kind of awareness, and the circumstances are different for each of us. It requires a place where our heart becomes exposed, where we see our life in the truth of its dysfunction, and how far removed it is from the purpose and blessed life God intended us to have. When we truly believe the promises in the Word, and that God wants ONLY GOOD for us. That He wants to lavish us in blessings! And finally we recognise that the role we have played is not as innocent as we have always believed.
That place becomes a dying experience of sorts, where we have come to the very end of our own strength, to the end of our self-reliance, to the end of our excuses, and ultimately the end of faith in ourselves and our abilities. When we say “I can’t keep living like this anymore. I am sick of the same toxic patterns repeating themselves over and over again! I can not take another step in this same direction!” Not just “something must change’, but rather “everything must change, especially ME! and I have no idea where to start!”
This concept of reaching the end of yourself I have written on before here, which explains the tipping point between self-reliance & self-deception, and COMPLETE SURRENDER!
Surrendering to truth and surrendering to the Almighty is where your true self can begin! It is the sharp turn around a blind corner, with no foresight to cushion the fear, and yet you make that turn because you have tried every other turn and didn’t like where it led. All of a sudden humility becomes an honour, and will-power becomes a farce. That is where miraculous transformations occur!
Everything in the world will try to prevent that turn, and everything inside us will deny it’s necessity, but we deserve to see the truth, for the TRUTH WILL SET US FREE!
So many are completely unaware of the battle Inner Angels and Enemies has been trying to expose over the past 5 years. We ignore the hidden stresses and insecurities that poison us from underneath a helmet of mindlessness. Our busy minds are bombarded by excess, alarmism and dysfunction, and most of us are just trying to cope, just barely holding it all together.
Often those who claim serenity, who claim to have a handle on stress, have actually withdrawn from life in some way. Refraining from deep relationships, avoiding every potential for suffering, disconnecting from the masses. Some have removed themselves from society, or simply live in a state of ignorance. And while I agree that we all need a break from time to time, I do not believe God intended us to live in a permanent state of disconnectedness, only to interact in short and occasional bursts, and then retreat away again. The scriptures say to be not of this world, but that does not mean we are to disconnect from it. We are given the powers of heaven to OVERCOME the dysfunctional patterns of the world. To still be able to interact and impact our communities positively, and have deep meaningful relationships. To not be governed by indulgence and addiction as the world encourages, but to defeat emotions grounded in selfishness, bitterness, fear, and pride…
Deuteronomy 14:2 “You have been set apart as holy to the LORD your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure.” Those words ‘set apart‘ is translated from the Hebrew word Qadowsh, which actually means Holy and Sacred. This infers, not that we are separated in physicality or proximity, or even emotionally, but rather in morality!
In order to gain back some awareness of our thoughts and behaviours, psychologist have been using meditation and mindfulness to help manage some of the dysfunctional conditions which are becoming epidemic in our society. Conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic attacks, mood disorders, addiction and more. Using techniques which decrease stress, slow the brainwaves and increase awareness, we are actually able to rewire our brains and alter these dysfunctional patterns we have adopted. This is wonderful news for those who are in the pursuit of wellness because it means we have access to healing without spending a fortune on pills and potions.
For those who are also in pursuit of faith as they strive toward wellness, the scriptures hold vital keys. These patterns of dysfunctional behaviours, become locked into our subconscious, and are identified as the ‘Sins of the flesh’ according to the Word of God. Mindlessness prevents us from recognising how deep we have gone. Therefore Self-Awareness is vital to recognise areas of our subconscious that require alteration, which you can read more about in this post. While meditating on the scriptures and absorbing the character of Christ, we can alter subconscious patterns to align with His perfect example. Replacing, selfish and unrighteous patterns with patience, gentleness, kindness, selflessness and LOVE.
This concept is the foundation for a calling God has placed on my heart, as mentioned in this previous post. Leading me to design a program that unites Self-awareness with Scripture Meditation. I can hardly wrap my head around the abundance of evidence God has guided me towards to support this program. It is founded in Science, Scripture and life Experience.
After so many years battling with all manner of dysfunction, mental illness, injury, and sickness I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WAS DOING! He was using those situations to bring me to this place, a place where I can show others how to develop wellness and faith, and how to rewire their bodies and minds. It is a place where I can use my testimony to expose the enemy and to restore the reputation of the stunning and incredible Character of God!
God used my experiences to lead me to become the founder of a unique concept called Sanctuary Stretch.
I am amazed to tell you that while I was once unemployable, and even suicidal, I am now a certified Pilates Instructor and Meditation & Mindfulness Teacher, and have combined those two techniques with the Word of God to decrease stress, restore physical vitality and bring every thought into the captivity of Christ! You can read all about it on the Sanctuary Stretch Facebook Page or website. For those in the Sunshine State…South East Corner…Australia… I look forward to seeing you for your first FREE CLASS!
Don’t you deserve some time out to distress and rejuvenate mind, body and faith under the loving gaze of your Loving Heavenly Father? Of course you do.. WE ALL DO!
Inner Angels and Enemies turns 5 in two short months! 5 Years! Wow, that is mind blowing!
As I look back over some old posts I realise just how far I have come, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement during those scary and dark years. You, my readers, have witnessed as I battled with enemies of panic and self-condemnation, held back from living life to the fullest, as I worked through every one of those toxic thoughts and behaviours, with a faithful God as my constant source of strength and refuge. I always wrote under the pseudonym ‘The Water Bearer’, because my anxiety made me feel far too vulnerable as I shared such private thoughts and intense struggles.
In my attempts to recover from my injuries from my car accident, and the psychological fall out from my nervous breakdown, God led me diligently through therapy and I began doing Pilates and Meditation exercises. After so many years trapped in dysfunctional subconscious patterns, I began to see some light at the end of the tunnel, but the panic attacks still remained. In this post I explained how a trip to Africa and a calling to jump off a bridge changed me and ended my panic attacks. Now don’t get me wrong I still get anxiety, it just no longer cripples me, or lasts very long. The theory God was guiding me to understand was that through it all He had hold of me, that I was safe, that I could face all fear head on, He was trustworthy to never let me go and would use my struggles to lead me towards my purpose. I just needed to believe and follow His guidance!
So I did as I was told….. You can watch my bridge jump here….
Since that amazing trip, now that fear no longer holds me back, I have had so many new and amazing experiences. I began playing keyboard and singing and wrote a few of my own songs and teamed up with friends to perform them. Through a happy turn of events I developed a friendship with my favourite singer/songwriter, who introduced me to a wonderful faith-based community church where I feel inspired and cherished. And just recently, God placed a calling on my life that has lead to the most incredible fulfilment and purpose!
Well now the tides have turned on this Water Bearer and I am stepping out in faith again, in order to use this blog to support my next endeavour, which I will give the details of in my next post. So watch this space! I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how amazing and faithful Our Saviour is, to have led me through the deepest of valleys and brought me to a place where I sing His praises, not just in the storms, but also in the beautiful dazzling light of His Glory!
Blessings to you all!
– Claire Marie B