I could see it happening to me, like being a distant observer of a tornado! You see clearly its destructive nature, you know there is a fall-out coming. You are aware of that voice of warning that calls from some silent place within. It cries with anguish “This is all about to go PEAR SHAPED!”
The beauty of self-awareness is that I now know what is happening to me when I begin to spiral. For those who haven’t experienced the spiralling emotions of mental illness or never felt the triggers that spark them, you may consider yourselves lucky. Yet there is something profound about the places that can be discovered when you learn not to trust yourself completely. When you refuse to give your emotions permission to become excuses for poor behaviour. After so many years developing self-awareness, I now understand that during these moments I am being forced to cling to my faith. I know that I must ride the wave of emotion with acceptance and awareness, and not make any sudden decisions. I must be prepared to repair any damage that is left in the wake of a triggered attack.
This recent episode came with familiar foes, second guessing and self-doubt, with a flood of tears and a self-critical scowl. I found a safe place to unload, my wonderful hubby, who knows how to listen without adding fuel to the fire. He leaves aside comments like “Pull yourself together” & “Its not that bad” He knows I need validity, that my emotions are very real TO ME in that moment, and that refusing to accept them only makes matters so much worse!
Sure enough in the aftermath, I needed to debrief, and I soon came to recognise that it wasn’t quite as bad as all that. I found clarity in the long honest conversation that came afterwards, and then I received that wonderful, insightful epiphany, that nugget of understanding which made it all make sense. This spiralling episode taught me to understand yet another trigger of mine. Another inner enemy to be watchful of, I learned how to articulate something about myself which I could not give voice to before. This nugget of understanding also revealed an answer to a situation that I had been praying about, something that had been bothering me for a couple of years!
I’ve mentioned before that I despise deception! It is my biggest fear! But who else recognises the trigger of not knowing where you stand with others? A history of reactive guilt trips and emotional instability leaves us with a need for constant feedback, seeking for any thread of warning, any scrap of insight into the future mood of another person. That way you can be prepared for the attack, and place up that protective wall before the shock of rejection takes your feet from under you. And isn’t it funny that it always seems to come from those who are overly nice to your face! Full of gushing compliments and open armed invitations.
Here at Inner Angels & Enemies we recognise the tricks the enemy plays inside us, and inside others. When we have faith and self-awareness, we can use these revealing moments of insight to remind us of the weapons available to us, and once we know a little more about the battle, we can prepare our armour accordingly!
YEEEEEW! God is so Good!!
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
A Poem of Easter’s Truth – http://wp.me/p2kX7W-Ul