10/10/2019

Waking Up

Posted in Encouragement, Musings, Self-Awareness tagged , , , , , at 5:36 am by The Water Bearer

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The tightness in my chest was beyond belief, I could hardly breathe, my throat closed up… I couldn’t swallow. That old familiar feeling was taking me over yet again. My heart thumped loudly behind my breastbone. I needed to do SOMETHING! ANYTHING to stop this feeling. Quick as lightening my mind began scrolling through all the well worn escape plans of the past, as my ego tried to make a selection. Its like a game of Russian Roulette, spinning a wheel of options, hoping the one your autopilot chooses won’t blow up in your face.

Will I let out my fear in anger and yell or cry, force an explanation, shut down, walk away?

This happens mostly when I feel misunderstood or criticised, thanks to a backstory of emotional threats and volatile accusations.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), being on guard for these types of attacks has made my sensitivities and the activity in my nervous system painfully obvious. For the first twenty years on this earth, extreme emotional outbursts were just a common part of my daily life (especially around people I cared about the most). That was until I got so sick of feeling miserable and complaining about all the drama in my life. Instead I withdrew, I cut ties, I figured life was much safer without these painful emotions or the people who triggered them. I would be much better on my own.

or so I thought…

Loneliness is not a nice place to visit, but moving in there is diabolical for a being designed for social connection.

Whether it was from loneliness or desperation, I went in search of some stability, and found it in the form of my Dad. After 13 years without him in my life, he began to teach me how to fight back… but not in the ways I had been fighting back my whole life.

First I had to WAKE UP and actually see where the fight really was.

Rather than fighting back against those around me, who instigated these attacks, Dad showed me how to recognise my extreme emotions, he taught me to dig into my own heart until I discovered the source of these emotions, and how to use Scripture to help me identify them and gain control over them. God Rest His Soul my Dad’s teachings changed EVERYTHING! My self-awareness, my reactions, my relationships, my faith, my drama, my decisions, my habits, even my nerves.

Gaining emotional control sure feels like wrestling a monster, maybe that’s just me? But I doubt it, I see people all around me day in day out, struggling to wrestle the emotions that so often rise up and cause problems. If we’re honest, if we’re awake, we’re very much aware of the monster within.

Maybe there’s more than one? But at least the monsters within are ones you have a chance of winning against… We are powerless against the monsters around us, (I leave those to the Lord Almighty) but we absolutely can win battles when we see the monsters within!!

For over 7 years this blog has been dedicated to showing you how.

So if you too are sick of feeling the extremes of your emotions, if your tired of the loneliness, if you’ve had enough with the drama and dysfunction in your relationships, and fed up with the problems your emotional decisions create, perhaps its your time to wake up?

Maybe that’s why you’re reading this blog? Maybe, just maybe you’re ready!

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