11/02/2020
Seek Not to Alter Me
“Cheer up”
“Calm Down”
“Harden Up”
“Take a Breath”
“Just Chill”
“What’s Wrong Now?”
“Dont Stress“
“Geeze you’re a lot to take, aren’t you!”
If you have a mental illness, you might hear feedback like this all the time. Usually from those around you who feel they are being helpful by telling you how to ACT ‘normally’.
I recently watched the movie ‘Joker‘, and yep ok it was little darker than I usually like, but for the sake of research into mental illness I thought “Heck, I’m just gonna give it a go.”
Just as predicted it was dark, I mean really dark, and brilliantly acted!
As I watched intently, gripping my throw-pillow and cringing at the brutality, one statement POPPED like fireworks when I saw it. It was simply brilliant!
Joker writes in his journal –
‘The worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.”
This sums it up folks! WOW! I mean WOW!
I’ve been at this a long time, well over a decade, I am unmedicated and functional despite my episodes of Cyclothymia (a form of Bipolar with long-lasting episodes, some last months, others can last years). I know the tools that help me avoid episodes and the tools that help me cope with episodes, and I use them daily. When I’m feeling at my worst, I struggle to be around anyone who wants me to behave like they want, or even to behave like I would when I’m not episodic. But the reality is, I can’t keep that up for long, and often “playing sane” can trigger a spiral into an even more severe episode, making life so much harder to deal with.
I often think how nice it would be if someone asked “How you doing today Claire-Bear?”
and I could reply “I’m actually mid-episode at the moment and struggling to be here.”
and have them reply, “Well good on you for showing up and giving it a go, if you need a time out or want someone to talk it all through with, just holler.”
But I rarely reply that way, and the times I do open up, I usually get looks of pity or motivational speeches and well meaning advice on how to manage my mood better. Some people just back away slowly, wide-eyed, not making any sudden movements, never to ask how I am again. I’ve even had people take offence, some blame and shame me. Some say “well I’m here now, you could at least cheer up for me!” or “Just get over it!” or “I can’t believe you asked for some space from me!”
With all the awareness around mental illness of late, when will we as a society realise that there is no benefit in encouraging people to “Be Normal” when none of us are normal all the time, and life would be very boring if we were. You’d prefer to be accepted or at least tolerated, even if you don’t have a diagnosed mental illness, because lets face it, you’re not perfect, no one is. Perhaps more of you could be authentic in your downtimes and weirdness if there wasn’t such negative feedback when you come clean?
Remember: An episode is not just a sad mood, or an extra does of energy, that can be altered to suit the crowd if you will it…And it doesn’t mean we can be written off as dysfunctional and useless either!
I am very lucky, I have a number of friends, family and colleagues who get me, they just do. They appreciate my amazing qualities and accept my horrifying ones. They don’t hold it against me when I act in ways that seem selfish or crazy, they give me the benefit of the doubt and don’t take it personally. They show support and they listen, they don’t sit counting how many times I interrupted them while in a manic state or take offense, demanding that I should “learn how to LISTEN!” They don’t get pissed off when I drop off the grid for a bit and stop initiating contact when I’m wrestling with depression, they reach out and say “Hi” with no expectations. They don’t hold against me the stances I take or excessive advice I give, they appreciate the wisdom I’ve gained from my overactive analytical mind and depth of thought.
So the next time you notice our imperfections…. instead of trying to make us act like you want, you could try saying
“That’s cool, You just do You.” or “I’m here if you need, Babe.” or a simple “I love you”.
That goes for behind our backs too, because eventually snide remarks all come out and who can tell the damage they can do to someone’s soul?
29/11/2019
Do Not Fear… Easier Said Than Done
Are you sick of the fear of not being good enough?
Now if your automatic response is, I don’t have that fear, I’m awesome… Let me stop you right there.
Self-Help Author, Life coach and Mega Influencer Tony Robbins says, that throughout his coaching experience of people from all walks of life, from plebs to presidents, that EVERYONE has this fear!
The ways this fear manifests is different for everyone, which is what makes it such a hard fear to pin down, not like the obvious fear of heights or closed spaces. This fear hides behind masks, pretending to be positive. It takes the shape of our motivations and passions, giving us an identity and an excuse to hang onto it, so we will never want to let it go.
One example could be a burning desire to do good and help people…. my hand is up!
Helping people is good and it feels good.. Right!
Now I’m not saying the surface action of helping people is a negative thing, but its the intention behind it which could be fed by this fear of not being good enough. Actually, the intention behind all actions has me curious.
For those who want to help others, a question to ask ourselves is, Do I need to help people? or Do I want to help people?
Again, you may automatically respond that you want to help. End of story. But when we start to consider our core beliefs around those who we think need our help, whether they accept that help or not, things start to become clearer.
How do you feel when you see a solvable problem in someone’s life that they won’t fix? Ugh!
Does the disappointment make you surge with a need to control something or someone? Yup!
Does it make you want to help those in your sphere more, you know the ones who let you fix things for them? Right!
Okay, So it may not be helping others that is your thing. So what drives you? No, really? It could be your relationship status. It could be your kids. It could be your art. It could be your image. It could be your career. It could be good times with your family & friends. It could be your financial plan. It could be your self-care routine.
This is a tough question, but can you hold the space of life’s discomfort without that thing or would that make you feel less than good enough?
See my point here is our deepest fears can drive our needs, which show up in our lives in many different ways, especially in our strongest urges.
To be perfectly honest I’m tired of trying to “Help People” who don’t really need or want my help, I’m tired of how that leaves a feeling of disappointment, as if my noble cause has become a burden somehow. Because let’s face it, some people love their problems; their drama gives them a story to share, a sense of space and time, a place in this world… And it’s their life to suffer through after all. So why should my sense of peace and acceptance suffer at their hands? Because deep down I need to attend to that fear, that drives me to ‘help people’ in order to feel I have achieved my purpose.
When we stop and evaluate the intentions of our hearts, its important to recognise our resistance to the discomforts of life, for its in these responses that we can better understand where our hearts need to increase in acceptance. Acceptance of the journey instead of a focus on the goal, the acceptance of holding the space of discomfort without having to improve it, the acceptance of self without the fear of not being good enough.
Acceptance is a tough one, probably the toughest, and for me its impossible without faith. Surrendering all my ambition, all my desire, all my defenses, all my identity and my value into the care of my trustworthy and loving Heavenly Father is the only time I can drink from the ‘Well of Acceptance’ and not come up still thirsty.
How bout you?
19/11/2017
But Did You Become Bitter or Better?
“Sometimes your best motivation comes wrapped in sandpaper” – Lisa Nichols
This amazing quote beautifully captures the possibility of turning adversity into the fuel that drives us to become new creations.
When you suffer any form of physical or emotional tribulation it can be far too easy to become bitter and self-destructive, and fall into the trap of a victim mindset.
We can get stuck in a cycle of blaming others for our bitterness, rather than taking accountability for our own choices, and behaviour. This leads to a rut where relationships and lives remain unfulfilled.
Taking accountability means having the guts to look in the mirror and say “I am Bitter, I Am bitter, I AM BITTER and it is toxic, and its no one else’s fault! The actions of others are not excuses for me to continue in my bitterness, for then I am spreading poison to everyone I encounter! I have become part of the problem!”
See by owning up to your bitterness, you earn your license to drive it. Rather than saying “Someone else put me in this car of bitterness and I’ve had no other choice but to crash my bitterness into everyone I meet” which causes you to stay trapped on the road to more unhappiness.
When you gain your license, you can change the course of your destiny, by taking ownership of the direction of your life. You can’t avoid or escape all embittering situations, but you can learn and grow from every trial. Rather than sitting around praying that your life will change and hoping for joy and successful relationships, take Christ at His promise to resurrect and restore you!
Begin to stand and walk in that promise! Because no matter how bad things get here on earth it is only temporary, and no matter what the physical evidence appears to be right now, trust that God has a wonderful plan for your life, if you step into it.
Recognise the way your own bitterness has steered your life towards that pit, and use the promises of God to earn your license to avoid the pitfalls which Inner Enemies set before you. You can use whatever destruction you find yourself in to be the canvas you intend to wipe clean, using self-awareness you can begin to reconstruct the best, happiest version of you!
So how do you wipe your canvas clean through self-awareness?
Firstly stop holding up your ‘innocence’ against the faults you find in others, or comparing your life to the lives of those you assume have had it easier or who you think are ‘luckier’ than you.
Instead at every opportunity ask yourself “what is in my control?” Discovering that only your own actions, your words, your reactions, your choices are in your control. You wipe a section of your canvas clean every time you come face-to-face with your own toxic emotions and excuses, and refuse to let them control you any longer.
When you have the courage and the character to raise your hand and say “That was me, I did that, my bad. I own that poor choice or that bitter reaction.” When we do this without excuses, God can fill our hearts and our lives with His mercy and grace, and set us free from the unhealthy patterns those reactions have trapped us in. It then transforms our reality that being in any relationship is no longer about ‘getting incompetent love’ from others, but in giving love to others. And nothing creates fulfilment like it!
Then we can stop spreading our bitter poison and begin instead to spread Hope, Love, Faith, Truth and Joy!
22/11/2013
Are You Chasing People Away?
Before I began blogging, I was disheartened by the lack of people who I could interact with, who pursued a genuine relationship with Christ and God. A rare gem, to discover another person who accepted the way I experienced God. I have a few gems in my life, luckily. Yet I always searched, yearning for more. I was blessed to stumble across many of you who fellowship with me in such a loving supportive way.
Before blogging I found many religious people who knew the scriptures inside and out, who called themselves “Born Again”, but after time they mostly wanted to argue their interpretation and seemed unable or unwilling to accept the personal relationship that I was developing with my Heavenly Father. They tried to direct my path with many different scriptures, expecting me to apply them to my current situation, instead of trusting God to reveal His Word and His Will to me as I walked by His side, under His direction.
Like many others, I found myself directed away from their rigid, graceless, control. I pulled back from their judgmental condemnation of my imperfections or my choices. I didn’t want to draw nearer, rather wanted to protect my fragile heart from their looks of disdain and disapproval as I confessed my daily struggles with the flesh.
How many of us have had people knock on our door, claiming to have the one right way to be saved, the only way, according to them? I have had many. The most recent wasn’t satisfied with my confession of love and devotion to God and His Son. He kept trying to trip me up with vague questions, ones which he had carefully selected the only answer he would accept. For every scripture he threw in my face I gave him back three to think on. Yet he was unwilling to accept me. I was standing in my own home being berated and dismissed by someone who claimed to be encouraging me towards God. Needless to say I informed him of this and sent him on his way with love….. No one has been back to encourage me since then.
Over the years I have begun to understand the reason many people can’t accept our daily walk under God’s direction, rather than under their control. I believe it is unfathomable to many, that we might know how to perceive God’s personal instructions. Simply because God has not revealed Himself to them or just because the are not at that stage of faith yet.
The scriptures often contradict each other much of the time, not every scripture applies to every situation. We must be humble and willing enough to let God use them inspirationally to show us His Will for each of us, at each stage of our lives.
No other human being, not one, knows what God has planned for us, except to say He is FOR us! Only we can discover His plan for us through our personal relationship with Him.
No human, not one, knows who God will show mercy and forgiveness to, or who He will reign down His wrath upon.
No human, not one, knows what actions God will choose to forgive and which He will condemn.
These privileges have not been given to us because we are not GOD, who sees into the hearts of His children, and anyone who claims to know these things is simply playing at being God.
The path is narrow, but your narrow path is not my narrow path, God is omnipotent enough to have designed a narrow path for each and every one of us, if we continue to seek it. He didn’t make just one plan and need to make every different amazingly created human to fit into it.
Enough is enough. If you find yourself using scriptures to make someone else feel unworthy and unloved then you may want to ask yourself if you have missed the whole lesson that Christ suffered horrendously to bring us.
25/01/2013
Rejecting Rejection*
This is one of the most informative and necessary posts I have ever come across, and is referred to in my recent post Healing the Insecurity. Please check it out! Blessings to you!
Rejecting Rejection
“…to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He has made us accepted in the Beloved” (Eph.1:6)
The emotional soil our roots are planted in has a bearing on our entire lives. God designed that we should receive love, care and protection in the family. As a child is born into a family it is totally defenseless, and dependable on the family that surrounds it. It is during the formative years of its life that it will receive its identity message. A child brought up in a loving atmosphere and home will face future relationships with security and confidence. Our family loved us and valued us; therefore we must be people of worth.
Psychologists confirm this. They tell us there are three parental attitudes that are absolutely necessary for a sense of security and to develop a wholesome personality. These are acceptance, affection and approval…
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Inner Angels & Enemies 