21/12/2012
A Change at Christmas*
In a panicked tone I say to my 7yr old daughter. “Put that down, don’t touch, you will break something!” I’m holding up a canvas with a painted flower on it, rocking the pram cradling my sleeping baby, with my other hand. My head is spinning, my chest is tight, and my heart racing as I hurriedly try to finish off my Christmas shopping. All the requirements to survive Christmas in an acceptable manner hang heavily over my head, but I’m not paying enough attention to notice how heavy they are. I am completely lost in the whirlwind of meeting everyone’s expectations and the ticking clock. I believe I am capable, I know if I push myself really hard I can outrun any possible guilt of failing to impress.
A million questions buzz around the racetrack in my mind, it’s anybody’s guess which one I will ponder long enough to be satisfied with the answer… if at all. ‘What do people really want for Christmas?’ ‘How can the gift appear worth something without blowing the budget?’ ‘What haven’t they already got?’ ‘Maybe I could make something?’ What if I run out of time and don’t finish it?’, ‘What if it’s not good enough?’, ‘What if I’m not good enough?’ ‘What if I ruin the meal and everyone will be left unsatisfied?’ ‘What if it falls apart and my facade drops and the quivering failure inside is revealed for all to see?’ ….
“I will just keep going, I have no choice, I will push harder, I won’t fail”… I will just smile and make it feel like a Merry Christmas!
That was me before my car accident…. There were moments I let myself enjoy the company of family and friends, of gifts and carols. There were times of joy, only they were tainted with deep insecurity that creeped it’s way into so many areas of my life.
After my accident I spent the next few Christmases, trying to stay sane inside a mind that didn’t want to play fair, trying desperately to resist the list of unmet expectations. I spent those years numb and defensive against the world with it’s mountain of pressure, which I could no longer push myself to climb. I clung frantically to my faith, begging the Lord to drag me out of bed and into the Christmas spirit. I was crumbling under constant migraines, anxiety, exhaustion, shoulder pain and self-condemnation, drowning in a sea of judgement and depression. Eventually I withdrew, I folded into the smallest version of myself, hoping I could fly under the radar so that no one would notice how useless I was. I took Valium and I slept….a lot.
To add insult to injury, smack bang in the middle of a grueling compensation law suit, and right before Christmas, my Dad lost his battle with cancer. He hadn’t been sick long enough for us to be truly prepared. We knew it would be quick, but even though we thought we were ready, we were kidding ourselves. So many chapters of the book left open and only half read. It sent shock waves through the family and I drowned my sorrows at a wake that lasted for weeks. The weight of his passing distracted me from finding true Christmas joy, so I fed it Vodka and sang carols loudly to the Lord, and I took photos of children opening gifts, like any good Mummy does. Each year has gotten a little easier, yet still carries a sense of dread.
And so here we are…. Has a change really come?…
This is the first Christmas since I began blogging, and the therapeutic evidence it has had over me is overflowing into my life. I have had a number of breakthroughs and a strange sense of peace surrounds me this year. I don’t feel as burdened with the grief of Dad’s passing because I feel him with me so much more since I began sharing our history with others online. I arranged all the extended family’s presents and sent them off early this month. I have taken some extra time off work so I can just relax with my girls and am looking forward to their company of cuddles and conversation. I don’t feel overwhelmed by the back-to-back gatherings and actually feel present rather than distracted, which is becoming a more regular, blessed experience for me.
Christmas has developed a reputation of chaos and anguish, at a time of year when a light might shine on forgiveness, love, acceptance and peace. There are going to be times when these things are overlooked, yet it is possible to discover a change at Christmas, the closer we get to our true selves and learn to put the expectations aside, to strip back the hoopla and reflect on the birth of our King.
I send up prayers for all to experience some peace on earth this Christmas, to focus on being present rather than getting presents, and to feel truly grateful and blessed for the gift of Christ to us, a gift of salvation to a world in desperate need of saving.
“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
22/08/2012
Random Acts and A Blessed Birthday Buzz*
Every year birthday’s roll around and every year they pass by. Some are a gathering of family and friends, some are a day of spoiling with presents, some are filled with adventures and outings, some are celebrated with parties and indulgence, some are simply skipped over uneventfully. They all come, and they all go. I have a hard time remembering most of those past birthday’s …. Don’t you?
However, I have a feeling I will remember this birthday for many years to come. I am still buzzing from it…
I am blessed by a wonderful life, truly. I have a fabulous family and wonderful cherished friends, time has proven to me their love, through their acceptance, loyalty, compassion, help in times of need, encouragement, forgiveness, apologies, companionship and the like. I have Health, Faith, & Love, and I have many more ‘things’ than I will ever need.. I could go on…but I know ‘Gag’ right! 😉
So, God guided me to give back….
After reading this post by a fellow blogger, I was inspired, actually that is an understatement. Seeing this list gave me heaps of ideas of how to share joy and kindness with people from my community.
I sent an email to family and friends asking for them not to buy me a gift this year. I told them I would be spending the day doing Random Acts of Kindness and if they wanted to get involved then great, just know I am passing on all gifts to others.
My Husband and I and our 2 gorgeous girls spent an amazing day together. We planned enough Random Acts to cover one for each year of my life but it ended up being more, thanks to all those who contributed.
We started the day with a family prayer thanking the Lord for His abundance of love and blessings to us, and asking for His guidance to those who needed these acts of kindness the most.
With that we were out the door….
I can’t even begin to describe the joy that came from seeing the smiles on peoples faces and the sparkle in their eyes, although some we hid from (like the man who’s fuel we paid for).
I loved the look on the face of the gorgeous teenage boy who was more than shocked by this crazy lady running up to give him an Itunes voucher, we chased him because he raised his hand in thanks as we stopped the car to let him cross at a zebra crossing. I was overcome by his unexpected manners.
The volunteers at the Salvation Army enjoyed their muffins perfectly timed for morning tea, along with bags of donated books, clothes and shoes.
The police lady asked “Are you sure?’ when I handed her a box of warm doughnuts along with my gratitude for her service to others.
The lady at the ‘Information Counter’ in the local shopping centre had the most amazing sparkle in her eyes for receiving a simple coffee voucher and a thank you for her constant helpfulness.
We became hungry to find that sparkle in the eyes of others, it was so addictive!
We gave a Coffee Club voucher to every security guard and cleaner we saw, thanking them for keeping our suburb a nicer place to live.
We gave out gift cards to people doing their weekly shopping and surprised small children with helium balloons.
We gave a beautiful lady a voucher to buy food for her seeing eye dog and I was not prepared for her reaction “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today” she said and hugged me tight for a very long time, I left her with tears streaming down my cheeks.
It warmed our hearts to watch our children explaining their gift to all these random people, they thoroughly enjoyed the day as well, we are all still buzzing.
Our motive was simple…
“God has blessed us so much in our life so we want to pass that on to others. You are special and appreciated and loved from above. May God bless you as much as He has us!”
There were other acts, I won’t explain them all, If you would like more ideas please visit this post. I just wanted to share that it was a truly wonderful day, one which I wasn’t planning on writing about, I just can’t shake the hope that someone else may join me in feeling this much love and joy! I hope you are inspired to try this for yourselves. You will never regret it! Please share your Random Acts stories with me in the comments section, I would love to hear of them.
Opening presents is nice and all, and indulging on food and drink and a good time is fun, but I tell you this, it doesn’t even come close to how wonderful it felt to engage lovingly with others, and to give, and to be thankful! God is So Good! Praise His Name!
23/06/2012
Do you really like getting presents?*
My Big Girl and I were having one of our ‘Deep & Meaningful” talks one night recently, as we often do. These are times I am so grateful for, as it seems so difficult to get teenagers to talk at the best of times, let alone with their parents. So here we were talking about life, faith, boys, future plans, past victories and sharing our thoughts about all kinds of important stuff. One thing she wanted to share, was how much she appreciates that she doesn’t equate ‘gifts’ with how much she is loved. She is happy with a balance of going without things, and appreciating what she has. However, people in her life are beginning to give her gifts as a gesture of affection. Many would perhaps enjoy being spoilt like this, but it actually causes her to feel uncomfortable and I can understand why.
I used to date a guy who bought me ‘gifts’ all the time, he would buy me gifts for no particular reason, and when a special occasion came along he would go overboard. I was a single Mum and counting every penny I had, obviously there was no way I could keep up with his level of gift giving. I gave him affection and attention, but not much in the way of material things. Unfortunately he didn’t know any better, it was how his parents showed him affection, they bought him stuff. They were quite wealthy and he wanted for nothing, yet he was not even close to feeling fulfilled or happy.
It is so common to try to buy things for our loved ones to make up for our shortcomings in regard to giving them attention or love. The act itself of buying a gift for someone could be interpreted as loving thing to do, to spend time thinking about the person you love and thinking of what will make them smile. However the person receiving these gifts only gets a short dose of warmth that easily fades over time. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought to myself , ‘Yep, they must really love me, because I remember that present they bought me last month.’
Another element to consider when buying gifts is that the intention can often create feelings of anticipation. If the intention is simply to make someone smile then fine, you will probably get a smile in return for a gift. But what if the intention is to get love in return? What would they have to do to love you back? Do they owe you something now?
A gift is a gift, end of story. It is a gesture purely to acknowledge that thought was given to a person or situation. Thought alone, not love.
If we really want to show our love for others it needs to come in the form of something that cannot be forgotten or broken or lost. If we give our loved ones things like loyalty, compromise, acceptance, forgiveness, freedom, trust, support, encouragement, honesty, affection and attention, then they will know they are loved. We won’t need gifts to prove it.
These expectations of love and the now seemingly common practice of giving ‘gifts’ in exchange for love, has led to the excessive commercialisation we get shoved down our throats at every ‘special day’ imaginable. We just recover from Christmas and then it’s Valentine’s day, we take a breath after getting that out of the way and all of a sudden it’s Easter, with chocolate eggs through to lavish gift baskets displayed on (a ridiculous amount of) stands in every shop. Add to that all the birthdays of those we care for, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Baby showers, Christenings, Birth of New babies, Anniversaries, and before you know it, it is stinking Christmas again! I don’t know about you, but the thought of loving someone with gifts is both expensive and exhausting.
It seems obvious to me that our inner enemies are trying to convince us that giving gifts is necessary when it comes to showing love, by creating hoopla around every occasion we can come up with.
We need to ask our inner angels to take over and encourage us to begin truly loving people in ways that puts gift giving to shame. In fact I think this post should conclude with those true loving gestures lingering in our minds.
Lord, help this world to overlook gift giving as a gesture of love and help us show our loved ones genuine love through AFFECTION – PATIENCE – LOYALTY – KINDNESS – COMPROMISE – SUPPORT – ATTENTION – FORGIVENESS – ACCEPTANCE – FREEDOM – ENCOURAGEMENT – HONESTY & TRUST! Amen!
Inner Angels & Enemies 