So many are completely unaware of the battle Inner Angels and Enemies has been trying to expose over the past 5 years. We ignore the hidden stresses and insecurities that poison us from underneath a helmet of mindlessness. Our busy minds are bombarded by excess, alarmism and dysfunction, and most of us are just trying to cope, just barely holding it all together.
Often those who claim serenity, who claim to have a handle on stress, have actually withdrawn from life in some way. Refraining from deep relationships, avoiding every potential for suffering, disconnecting from the masses. Some have removed themselves from society, or simply live in a state of ignorance. And while I agree that we all need a break from time to time, I do not believe God intended us to live in a permanent state of disconnectedness, only to interact in short and occasional bursts, and then retreat away again. The scriptures say to be not of this world, but that does not mean we are to disconnect from it. We are given the powers of heaven to OVERCOME the dysfunctional patterns of the world. To still be able to interact and impact our communities positively, and have deep meaningful relationships. To not be governed by indulgence and addiction as the world encourages, but to defeat emotions grounded in selfishness, bitterness, fear, and pride…
Deuteronomy 14:2 “You have been set apart as holy to the LORD your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure.” Those words ‘set apart‘ is translated from the Hebrew word Qadowsh, which actually means Holy and Sacred. This infers, not that we are separated in physicality or proximity, or even emotionally, but rather in morality!
In order to gain back some awareness of our thoughts and behaviours, psychologist have been using meditation and mindfulness to help manage some of the dysfunctional conditions which are becoming epidemic in our society. Conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic attacks, mood disorders, addiction and more. Using techniques which decrease stress, slow the brainwaves and increase awareness, we are actually able to rewire our brains and alter these dysfunctional patterns we have adopted. This is wonderful news for those who are in the pursuit of wellness because it means we have access to healing without spending a fortune on pills and potions.
For those who are also in pursuit of faith as they strive toward wellness, the scriptures hold vital keys. These patterns of dysfunctional behaviours, become locked into our subconscious, and are identified as the ‘Sins of the flesh’ according to the Word of God. Mindlessness prevents us from recognising how deep we have gone. Therefore Self-Awareness is vital to recognise areas of our subconscious that require alteration, which you can read more about in this post. While meditating on the scriptures and absorbing the character of Christ, we can alter subconscious patterns to align with His perfect example. Replacing, selfish and unrighteous patterns with patience, gentleness, kindness, selflessness and LOVE.
This concept is the foundation for a calling God has placed on my heart, as mentioned in this previous post. Leading me to design a program that unites Self-awareness with Scripture Meditation. I can hardly wrap my head around the abundance of evidence God has guided me towards to support this program. It is founded in Science, Scripture and life Experience.
After so many years battling with all manner of dysfunction, mental illness, injury, and sickness I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WAS DOING! He was using those situations to bring me to this place, a place where I can show others how to develop wellness and faith, and how to rewire their bodies and minds. It is a place where I can use my testimony to expose the enemy and to restore the reputation of the stunning and incredible Character of God!
God used my experiences to lead me to become the founder of a unique concept called Sanctuary Stretch.
I am amazed to tell you that while I was once unemployable, and even suicidal, I am now a certified Pilates Instructor and Meditation & Mindfulness Teacher, and have combined those two techniques with the Word of God to decrease stress, restore physical vitality and bring every thought into the captivity of Christ! You can read all about it on the Sanctuary Stretch Facebook Page or website. For those in the Sunshine State…South East Corner…Australia… I look forward to seeing you for your first FREE CLASS!
Don’t you deserve some time out to distress and rejuvenate mind, body and faith under the loving gaze of your Loving Heavenly Father? Of course you do.. WE ALL DO!
Sometimes when it comes up in conversation that I write a blog on faith and mental illness, or when I share my experience with learning to manage mental illness, the subject of medication is brought up. I am not a Doctor and am not qualified to give any medical advice, I am simply here to share my thoughts, and my experiences, and to ask you to consider these theories logically for yourselves.
Certainly there are many arguments for use of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers etc, (though I have become distrusting of how many are actually valid). If we experience long-term sadness, or episodes of extreme fear, if our children’s behaviour is unsettlingly out of hand, if we find it hard to concentrate or sleep, then it seems the first response from the medical world is a prescription. Yet the Scriptures are filled with guidance on all these issues. These are all classic attacks from Inner Enemies, and God has provided the way to overcome. This doesn’t mean I am opposed to all prescriptions, far from it, I have used them as my first port of call for many years, and still would if my investigation supports it, however it is only now that I am aware of the bigger picture and hope you are also…..
While I believe it is up to each of us to decide if medication is an option for us, we must do so with prayer and wisdom. We must consider the side effects, the risks verses the benefits, especially consider the cost of long term use, decide how long we are willing to be dependant on them, and to also research alternative options. We must take our health seriously and begin to make hard but necessary changes when are bodies begin to warn us. It has become far too common practice to seek out a prescription to bypass our symptomatic struggles, and accept the easiest option, rather than taking the symptoms as warnings that something else is going on that must be addressed.
Prescriptions offered in a mind-altering context are done so without any scientific diagnosis, no blood tests, minimal follow-up and the results are not as reassuring as you or I may like to believe, just check out this link to discover the hidden evils within this drug fuelled money making system.
That being said….Pharmaceuticals have certainly come a long way in recent decades, and some amazing benefits are being discovered. My concern is simply that as a society we have come to rely on medication to help us manage a countless amount of health concerns. We have become accustomed to numbing our pain, and bandaid-ing any underlying issues. Many long-term side effects have begun to surface after extended use of many pills and potions. The consequences of pharmaceuticals are reaping havoc on our bodies, and our minds, as I will share on personal level a bit later in this post. I am not suggesting anyone ignore medical advice or to neglect to take responsible steps towards managing any issues, mental, health or otherwise. I am saying that much more evidence has come to light recently that support natural therapies, diet, and dedication to non-pharmaceutical treatments. All of which are impacting countless conditions that we have become reliant on using medication to try to control.
By hiding our symptoms beneath a mask of medication, are we trying to take our health out of God’s control and put all our faith in Medicine?
Our beautifully wonderfully made bodies are a gift we need to take responsibility for, and ultimate responsibility comes when we put our trust in God. God intends his children to be taken care of and every need supplied.
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
Here is the point to understand in regard to illnesses………
He uses our suffering to change us for the better, to help us come into close unity with the scriptures.
We need to keep an understanding of faith systems in order to make the most from every situation as God will us to. Otherwise isn’t all suffering just a waste of time, and feels like punishment instead of opportunity for miraculous transformations?
Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
Throughout my life I have leaned heavily on any type of pill or potion that claimed to help my various conditions. I have self-medicated in order to tame my symptoms. I too felt unable to cope with the health issues and mental issues I have had to go through. Yet somewhere beneath my desire to avoid illness and pain, I knew I didn’t want to be ignorant to the true underlying cause.
Through my most severe episodes, after my car accident, my lawyers encouraged me into therapy. I saw a psychiatrist for my mood instability and a psychologist for my car-phobia issues. The psychiatrist was quite inept at managing my state of mind, his only course of action was to prescribe mood stabilizing medication. I took the medication to help narrow the peaks and troughs of my emotional reactions, hoping it would give me temporary support and confidence until I could work to find the deeper causes with my psychologist. Yet I felt little relief while taking the pills, at one point I even had suicidal thoughts, thoughts that had never ever crossed my mind in my depressed state before being medicated.
Along with my regular psychology sessions, I invested my time and energy on inviting God to move me towards the type of healing He could give me, towards the hidden truth inside me. I began to gain a clear understanding of myself and how to face up to and deal with my deepest issues. Issues I had no awareness of prior to therapy. I slowly reduced my medications until I came off them completely. This was in no way the EASY option. Medication offers a ‘quick fix’ yet none of the healing, while God’s healing is permanent and has all our best interests at heart, even if it is more laborious.
God showed me that He was using these situations to develop my trust in His plan, to show me His amazing might in my weakest moments, and to guide my steps towards the healing that He wanted for me. He used these situations to teach me priceless lessons about myself in each stage of the process.
“Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.” (Psalm 119:67)
I also had a physical condition a couple of years ago that resulted in numerous hospital visits, and many weeks spent bed ridden. Of course the first suggestion was strong medication, which I willingly took for many months, until surgery could resolve the symptoms more permanently. Yet the underlying issue was not discovered in a Doctors surgery or a hospital. The medication and the surgery only managed the symptoms, yet just like with my mental health, I felt the urge to discover what caused the issue in the first place.
Sadly many medical doctors seem to have issue sharing information with natural therapists, both trying to deny the value of the other, and we are the ones who get caught in the middle, unsure of who we can trust. After much research and dedication to my illness both inside and outside the Doctors office, I began to discover some answers. With the help of a Naturopath and Nutritionist I began to understand that taking antibiotics for sinus infections and a dependence on the convenience of junk food since my teen years, both led to an imbalance of my digestive bacteria, this threw my hormonal balance out of whack and I became seriously unwell. Since then I have refused antibiotics, using amazing colloidal silver to keep infections at bay, and changed my diet to a much healthier organic one. For a period of time I detoxed and used supplements to repopulate the lost natural enzymes and re-boot my immune system. Not only have my symptoms ceased almost entirely and my health improved dramatically, but also I received understanding on a new level about how my choices and my actions affect my life.
I guess my point here is this…. You are responsible for your own health, and cannot rely on one Dr or Specialist or Guru to take that responsibility, for they are not the ones who must live with the consequences.
We have been placed on this planet for a temporary period of time. Given a lifetime of issues purposed to draw out our hidden curses and develop character in the process. If we simply mask the inner enemies and smother our understanding in ignorance, we fail to receive the abundant blessings and miraculous transformations that God intended for our GOOD! All the things God has placed at our disposal to help us through this life are to be used in moderation, with wisdom and prayer, while God’s love and faithfulness can be indulged upon to the full extent that we can muster.
When I was a young adult I made all my decisions based on what I felt was right. I trusted my feelings above all else. I truly believed that I was upstanding, that I was honourable, that I was right. Aren’t we all so good at self-delusion?
In my mid twenties I welcomed my Dad back into my life, and he introduced me to God and His word with new perspective. I began to see how the words on the pages cut through the lies the enemy had been using to hide my intentions from me. Lies that encouraged me to compare myself to others so I could deem myself to be better, smarter, kinder, more organised, more loving, more righteous than those around me. Easy enough when I compared myself to those who appeared to be lacking in areas I was adept in. A labyrinth of lies stood between the intentions of my heart and my conscious thoughts. Each secret pathway was filled with excuses, with comparisons, with emotions. I was completely unaware of the truth in my heart.
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” Jeremiah 17:9
I had yet to learn how to investigate the heart of the girl in the mirror, without the rose coloured glasses Inner Enemies had placed over my eyes.
The word of God did just as the scriptures said it would. It cut through to the bone and exposed my hidden intentions that I had been completely oblivious to.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart”. Hebrews 4:12
Seeing the truth about my wicked heart was a turning point in my life. I was shocked into self-awareness, ripped from the false sense of security the labyrinth of deceptions had given. I saw a heart that was self-seeking, dishonest, and emotionally manipulative. Yet the hardest blow came when I saw that not only were my emotions manipulating those around me, those I ‘loved’, they had also been manipulating me!
In my youth I had a gift of twisting my own lies into the most believable display, I was very good at convincing others of my mis-truths, sometimes I was so persuasive I began to believe my own lies. Once I felt the conviction of how clearly I had been deluded and how easily I had fooled myself, I began to distrust my feelings, rather than allowing them to make all my decisions, I gave in and let the word of God do it’s healing work in me. I began instead to despise deception and I developed a love and pursuit of truth, as a result God has used the sharp edge of the sword to cut away each segment of that labyrinth of lies. I came to understand that this is how God uses our sin, plus His word and His grace, to sew His laws into our hearts.
“This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will they teach their neighbour, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest.” (Jeremiah 31:33)
Facing up to the true wickedness of our own heart, which has so well worn a righteous mask, is one of the most self-damning experiences, and Inner Enemies love to overplay their hand. They will try to use this awareness to shroud us in guilt, guilt that is so hideous we become afraid to enter into God’s presence. Inner Enemies tell us that our sins are too appauling to forgive. However when we learn that God’s grace is far more abundant than our sin, if we recognise this trick and learn that so long as we confess our sin to God He is faithful and swift to forgive us. He will bring us into a new covenant where another level of Holy Spirit is given to us, to fight against the lies, against the guilt, so that God may do a miraculous work on our hearts. God can then fulfil His intentions to circumcise the hard and wicked outer case of our hearts, to reveal a soft place for His voice to be established, and malleable hearts that bend to His will. Then He can give us all the blessings a righteous heart deserves and more.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” Matthew 5:8
“For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favour You will surround him as with a shield.” Psalms 5:12
“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” Psalms 34:17
“LORD, who may abide in your tabernacle? Who may dwell in your holy hill? He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart;” Psalms 15:1-2
“Behold, I will lay your stones with colourful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of crystal, and all your walls of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you.” Isaiah 54:11-14
I often go back and read my previous posts, I reflect on how I was feeling at the time I wrote them. I am reminded of little gems of inspiration that I may need to apply again and had forgotten. I sometimes think, “Man that’s quite an over-share! Why did I let those deep feelings slip out for all the world to see?”. I could get critical and think my more “needy” posts may appear like a slick of oil in my water jug, unappealing and in need of a rinse out (Not very refreshing Water Bearer!).
I realise my down times mar my usually positive nature. I am well practiced in trying to hide my imperfections behind a big smile and a bouncing dance-step. It certainly seems clear that some, who hope to interact with me closely, would rather the strong, faithful and fun Water Bearer, than the broken shell that’s left when my weakness is exposed (I know which one I like better!).
I have lost count of the times I got served a dish of criticism when I exposed my wounds to those who couldn’t handle the sight of me cowering in tears, or when I’ve been highly sensitive and reactive after an extended visit to, what felt like, the valley of the shadow of death. I see it in myself too, when I instinctively want to control and implode my children’s sadness. Wipe away the tears and sort them out, then and there.
My intention for my writing has always been to encourage, inspire and quench the thirst of doubt, however I believe honesty is more refreshing than constant optimism, and especially more so than denial. I am grateful for the opportunity to share with others what this life is teaching me. Sure, it would be less confronting without all the fear and desperation, lets be honest, but our Inner Angels are at war with our Inner Enemies, and that after all is the title of this blog.
Each and every one of us has thoughts we wish we didn’t have, not all are for sharing with every person we come across (a little appropriate timing and tact was a lesson I had to learn via the extended edition…with bonus tracks), yet many of us learn young that we shouldn’t think like this or that, and decide it is better to just pretend we didn’t.
Our truth is that, ours. If we hide our truth down deep and pretend it’s not there, never happened, not affecting us, we push it into a place where Inner Enemies have free reign. They fester in the dark, poisoning us from within.
However, when we have a place to share our truths, when we find the courage to let our weaknesses bathe in the light of honesty, we can remove the poison and begin to heal. The light is where our Inner Angels can work on our truths, our weakness, our fear.
So to all of you who have continued to drink from this here well, oil and all, I thank you. Your encouragement and prayers, your empathy and acceptance, are allowing my grin and groove to continue in my daily life outside the blogosphere. You are such a blessing to me!
There are times when I get so frustrated at myself for my sins, when I drop to my knees and scream “I want to change more!”. The Lord has protected me, and been faithful to me, He suffered for me and forgives me. He has led me to grow through my life and I have changed in so many ways, but still I scream….
I am a Type A, Sanguine personality, we are naturally quite fiery and feisty, not placid and calm very often, being quiet is extremely hard for this personality type. Over the years the Lord has been working on me and we have made some progress in this area. However, I can still get going at times and once I am in full flight it can be nearly impossible to stop myself. In the worst episodes I can be cocky and arrogant, I can be condescending and self-righteous. I mentioned in a previous post that I was praying for the Lord to help me develop quiet confidence and this post seems to be an extension of that.
Many of us grew up answering back and yelling our way through, believing we have to prove we are right against anyone who questions or challenges us. This is usually directed at, but not limited to, other family members, who also yell to prove how right they are. I can say honestly that this can been an extremely hard habit to break, and I am still not completely there yet.
It seems absurd to me though, I am a child of God and desperately want to represent all the good He can bring about in a person who submits to Him. And yet, while trying to be seen as right, my actions can be so very wrong.
How can we be a good example of God’s grace if we are so busy being right, that we forget to be kind?
What is the point of convincing the whole world we are right about something, if we have lost the respect of those we love along the way? None at all!
In this way and others, my fear of mistakes has been showing it’s ugly head in more and more ways since my recent breakthrough. I pray this is the Lord purging it from my nature so I can finally treat others with the respect and kindness I would like to, without this subconscious fear poisoning my reactions. I have had some ridiculous fears in my lifetime, and as I have come to recognise each one in turn I have handed them over into God’s hands. I am so grateful that I can now recognise and confess this deep fear, because He has never let me down, He is faithful to destroy all fear!
I am looking at this fear as a giant boil that has been festering away, growing and infecting me for too long, and now that we have found it Christ can bring it to the surface and remove it from me, just as He has done with all the fears that came before this one.So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Developing faith into every area of life is a gradual process. At the start of our walk with Him we may see many changes quite quickly, however over time I have noticed that it takes a fair bit of digging to get right down to those conditions we didn’t even know have been there all along, generational curses, soul ties, deeply buried pain, and other enemies we may have been exposed to during childhood.
I may have found and confessed my fear, I may be frustrated that it is still coming out of me in ways I don’t find very flattering. However I understand that Christ is the surgeon, if we put our lives and fears in His hands, we can watch as His precise scalpel removes each and every inner enemy, and there are always many of His amazing blessings to reap after recovering from the surgery! Amen!
Praise His Name, I am so grateful to know the love of the Lord!
The theme of my concerns over recent weeks/months/years, has circled my role as a Mum. I have this tremendous fear that my insecure reactions may have already damaged my children’s sense of self worth. How it is especially hard trying to raise them to be healthy, happy and secure, while I am still trying to get myself there. I get angry at myself for falling short, giving them less than they deserve. Tears well up as I confess this, it is extremely difficult to share, so please bear with me. I will try to allow my vulnerability and shame to create something worthwhile here…
I lean heavily into my faith, repeating the mantra, “Don’t Stress, Do your Best, God will take care of the Rest and You’ll be Blessed”. I trust in this, yet I admit my trust wavers, especially when it comes to me doing my best, am I really? While He develops my faith, I pursue healing… I must for their sake and my own.
My children are older now (9 & 16), they are dealing with emotional issues, more than behavioural ones. They are extremely well behaved, and try their best to be so. Recently I watched my reactions as a parent to my children even more closely; I saw how often my desire to teach them sounded as if they were ‘less than’. How my attempts to help them understand happiness made them confused and sad. How my reaction to their unhappiness made them self-conscious and withdrawn.
I broke down…
“How is this still happening?” I thought to myself. After over 6 years of therapy and 13 years of developing faith, I still have not figured out how to stop the cycle of damage and self-loathing which has infected its way throughout my family tree.
I wrote and wrote, I poured out my confessions on every scrap of paper I could lay my hand to. I let the tears fall as I held myself accountable for their growing hearts, which need to be nurtured by a Mum that loves in healing ways, not toxic ones. Yet I had no idea why my love was so poisoned.
Then as usual I withdrew again…. into distractions and a couple of glasses of red.
I had a 2.5 hour session with my therapist the other week, and we spent time figuring out the core of my parenting crisis. It was supposed to be the usual hour, but he knew I needed more time and gave it willingly, bless him.
After many tears shed and much rambling, probably mostly incoherent, we came to a few realisations. Firstly, that I have a list of responsibilities in the forefront of my mind. Fighting for the top spot of that list is my desire to make my children happy, along with being an obedient, self aware, child of God, and a supportive, capable and loving wife etc.
We narrowed in on my role as a Mum, to find out what causes me to react in unhealthy ways rather than healthy ones (besides the general thesis that my reactions spring from a platform of shame and insecurity). We needed to discover the more specific catalyst.
Eventually this catalyst revealed itself to be a connection between being happy and being right. I grew up believing being ‘right’ was the be all and end all. I spent so many early years unhappy for being so very far from ‘right’, believing many lies were truth, that somewhere along the way of realising this I have attached unhappiness with being wrong.
As we dug a little deeper we found that whenever I see a need to correct my children’s behaviour or teach them how to deal with something new, my fear of their unhappiness attaches itself to them being human (not perfect) and my panic causes an emotional reaction. This emotional reaction is more powerful than my words aimed to teach, more powerful than my good intentions. My way of defending against the fear is what shows on my face as I react. My anger at myself for believing those early lies is what shines out, and all they must see is an angry, scared Mum. No wonder it doesn’t work out well. 😦
We also figured out that I seem to be missing a piece of the puzzle, the place of stability that helps gauge which situations are worth getting upset about and which ones can be met with a neutral, unemotional response. In my desperate mission to stop my girls ending up like me, I have been allowing my fear to unconsciously correct their emotions and even their opinions. I cant express in words how ashamed I am. Forgive me Father, Forgive me Girls!
And so now that I have become aware of this in more detail, I must learn to give supportive freedom for them to experience their own emotions and opinions in each situation and not link them to being right or wrong, happy or sad, damaged or healed. Just to simply accept them, for all that they are. The Lord will teach them in life what I cannot, I need to change my focus to be less about teaching them how to not be like I was/am, and more on helping them be who they are. Using Affection, Approval and Acceptance to help them believe they are good enough, that they belong and are loved.
My psych has given me some tips to practice, in order to attempt to undo some of these patterns.
- Sitting face-to-face with them wordlessly, non-judgmentally, soothing the internal dialogue inside me, which drives me to teach them to control and avoid imagined catastrophes.
- Sit and listen without responding so much. (Oh my, that is hard for me at anytime)
- Try not to challenge any opinion they have unless 99% sure that it is incorrect.
- Try not to challenge any emotions they have, merely SHARE the experience with them.
- Try not to let their emotions change my emotions reactively. Wait until I can think neutrally before making decisions. This will teach what my words could not, that emotional manipulation is unfair and unhealthy.
- Before I respond to anything, ask myself this question, “Do I feel good enough or defensive?”, and wait until I feel good enough before I respond.
- Use soft eyes and a low pitch when correcting and teaching.
- Be aware of my fearful reactions during meditation, run through these tips from a calm relaxed place and allow the fear to pass by without being the catalyst for reaction.
This list is not going to be easy for me to apply, but I have been trying and had a few successes. I hope that someone else out there can gain something useful from this post. So that other children don’t have to stay in unhealthy cycles. I ask for your prayers, pray that this is finally the breakthrough I have been waiting years for and that God will reach down His hand and help me walk these new strategies out in my life. That His love will flow through to fulfill my girls when my love is tainted with fear. That my inner enemies will not win out, but will end up in the pit far away from my me and my family. In Yeshua’s Mighty Name I pray. Amen!
This is one of the most informative and necessary posts I have ever come across, and is referred to in my recent post Healing the Insecurity. Please check it out! Blessings to you!
“…to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He has made us accepted in the Beloved” (Eph.1:6)
The emotional soil our roots are planted in has a bearing on our entire lives. God designed that we should receive love, care and protection in the family. As a child is born into a family it is totally defenseless, and dependable on the family that surrounds it. It is during the formative years of its life that it will receive its identity message. A child brought up in a loving atmosphere and home will face future relationships with security and confidence. Our family loved us and valued us; therefore we must be people of worth.
Psychologists confirm this. They tell us there are three parental attitudes that are absolutely necessary for a sense of security and to develop a wholesome personality. These are acceptance, affection and approval…
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I read this excellent post “Rejecting Rejection” recently and it was exactly what I needed to read. I have been working on my insecurities for well over a decade, from when I first began to let God have a hand in my life. It is not an easy thing to overcome, as the linked post explains, there are many facets to insecurity, such as shame, self-loathing, fear, anxiety, control issues; the list goes on. Even after many years of therapy I am still becoming aware of ways that my insecurities either hold me back from fulfilling my potential, or cause reactions that are not positive or healthy.
Lately I have become addicted to the website TED: Ideas worth spreading, and am intent on developing my ability to create, despite my insecurities. The talks shared on this site are one way to help me tackle this issue. Brené Brown has become somewhat of a mentor for me, as her research is some of the most incredibly accurate and insightful collection of perspectives I have ever come across. Due to the some 8 million hits her talks on TED have received, I know I am not the only one who can relate to her specific discoveries about connection, shame, vulnerability, and all the aspects of these things. Especially, how vulnerability is the birth place of creativity and innovation.
The post I have linked to at the beginning, mentions that “Rejected people, reject people” I can testify to the fact that rejected people become defensive people, as a direct result of their insecurities. We become so used to fighting for our right to exist and to be loved & accepted, that we form habits of guarded defensiveness. We are so used to shooting down those who we perceive are attacking us, that those close to us often get shot with friendly fire. I know that this is at the forefront of my issues with my own children and family members, not in obvious conscious or shocking ways, but in subtle, hard to recognise ways. I am getting better with each day that I stay aware, that I repair, that I pursue growth and change.
However, My biggest concern is that the damage may already be done.
What if, through my own defensive reactions of rejection, I have caused my children to also feel rejected? And if so, are they now destined to follow in my footsteps of insecurity and a life filled with shame, fear, anxiety and defensiveness? There has to be a way to break this cycle.
I must accept that this is possible, and if so, God has to be where I send them, I admit to them that I fall short, and so God needs to be their source of security, not me. I am flawed, I am damaged, I can not be all that they need me to be. I have promised them that I will always try to be there for them, even if I am broken. That, even when my reactions make them doubt it, I love them more than they could know. I apologise sincerely, each time I become aware of another possible rejection. I stay in therapy and stay honest, I pursue healing at every opportunity. I pray …a LOT!
The quote above goes on to say “Rejected people, reject people. Healed people, heal people.” So while I can accept that I am not quite there, I am not completely healed yet, I can not hit pause as a mother and hit play again when I am healed. I must keep working on myself and be a parent at the same time, and that is a scary thought for me. I often feel as if I am doing more damage than good. I imagine that thought would be enough to break even the strongest of people, let alone someone battling fear, anxiety and shame.
And then I remember Him…..
I realise that my Heavenly Father has my children in His loving arms, that I can only do my best and His might will cover the rest. That His design has brought me to this place, to who I am right now, and that His design put me in the role of their Mum. Perhaps as a driving force for me to desperately pursue His healing love.
I had a breakthrough in therapy this week, as usual it followed another recent breakdown. I will explain more about that in a future post, but for now, I like the concept of rejecting rejection… Another step on the journey towards healing…. And that is it, isn’t it! One step after the other. The pursuit of healing and destiny.
I am coining this as an official title,
I am beginning to see a pattern form, of getting an emotional hangover after a day of emotional battle, a day of raw exposed fear. The kind of inner battle when you can’t control a thought in your head or a word from your mouth. When you are so overwhelmed with the onslaught of emotions that your clarity of thought isn’t even in the same suburb as you! Tears are shed, hearts crumble under the painful attacks of fear and guilt, words are rambled and all capability is lost. Many psychological conditions bring on these bouts, such as Depression, Anxiety, Bi-Polar Disorder, Cyclic Mood Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, etc. The battle itself is difficult at best to get through, however I have noticed the next day or two I am exhausted and extremely sensitive. I feel like I’ve been through hell and back.
Every ‘Drinker’ knows a real ‘Hangover’, you may as well write-off the whole next day because you know you are going to be useless. Getting out of bed is like lifting a wreckage from the bottom of the sea, that first sip of warm Coffee or Tea gives you slight hope, which only fades as the cup drains. The second cup doesn’t hold the same potential as that first hopeful sip, regular responsibilities are unbearably weighty, if you can manage anything at all then you’re grateful.
Not too long ago, I suffered from this type of “Emotional Hangover”.
Getting out of bed caused an argument with myself, until I managed to drag myself off the mattress.
I snapped at my family members when I saw the rubbish overflowing onto the floor, spewing out of the bin which was well over capacity.
I cringed and growled out loud “ARGH!” when I saw the heavy rain fall onto my work uniforms as they hung neatly on the washing line.
I could barely hear my children speak to me through the thick fog of unfathomable thoughts, and each question they threw at me squeezed into my mind which was as full as the rubbish bin. When I tried to conjure a response, the pressure inside my mind became too much and only something regrettably negative burst from my mouth.
I stood in front of the pantry trying desperately to come up with a side dish I felt able to make with dinner, I slid down the cupboard door behind me until my backside hit the floor, looking up at the shelves of food begging something to cry out “I am easy to make, you can manage to make me”. Only to give up and go to bed for an hour or so.
My head was heavy, my heart was heavy, my body was heavy, my mind was mush under a heavy fog. I’ve felt this before, many times.
I was very grateful to read a fellow bloggers post Mental Fatigue. Which let me know I wasn’t alone, every word rang true as I read, my realisation sparked this post.
I began to remind myself that these battles haven’t been so common recently, that I have been much better for many years, even though I do still get hit randomly, though not as often, but still HARD. An overflow of the inner war I discussed in a previous post Why so Fragile? I know that my inner enemy is using fear to deter me from writing…again. This time bringing out the ‘Big Guns’ of my psychological disorder to dissuade me from exposing these tactics.
The details might be different for everyone, but my deep personal fear is similar to many. Fear of being unloved, fear of being rejected, fear of being worthless, fear of temptation, fear of failing, fear of suffering, fear of regret.
I pray more than ever in these times, I instinctively reach for the powerful words of my Bible. My faith will get me through, I know this. He is my strength when I am weak.
In a confident state of mind, and a trusting, loving connection with God, these fears are irrelevant. I know I am loved by my Heavenly Father, that He will never reject me, I know how valuable I am to Him, I know my sins are forgiven, I know I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me, that I can endure suffering and be better for it, and that my regrets are what improves me.
I Know this! I Know this! So why do we still get attacks of feeling this way, believing these lies, folding under the fear? Whether for days on end, or just for one day here and one day there?
Because in this fragile state, this knowledge is hidden behind the heavy fog.
I used to think I was alone in this until I began sharing my story, I have found there are many of you out there, many like me who battle these inner enemies at various times in your lives.
So why does God let all this happen to us who love Him, who trust in Him?
I believe He wants to make us avid opponents to His enemies, He wants to strengthen our abilities on the battlefield, this fragile state of mind forces us to stretch our faith and reach further for His hand, to bring Him into our circumstance. These difficult times remind me to be vigilant in wearing my Godly armor, and to keep me truly hungering and thirsting for His word. What about you? Do these types of battles diminish your faith in His protection, or do you understand that He uses all things to bring about His design and build our relationship with Him and our strength of faith?
I watched the film “The Vow” recently, it touched me so, and a part of the story fits in here. The husband tells his wife who is suffering from amnesia that He will make her feel the love they once shared, that it will be like reading her favourite book for the first time. She will get to experience the most amazing feeling in the world again, the feeling of “Falling in Love“.
I feel like that when this fog lifts and I am saved by my Loving Father in Heaven! I fall in love with Him over and over again. I feel the safety of trusting in Him return to my awareness, I marvel at His demonstrations of Love when my prayers are answered. I am humbled by my weakness and encouraged by His strength. I am uplifted and enlightened, yet mystified and amazed by His complex puzzle for life and growth.
It may seem confusing but He knows things we don’t, He sees around the corners of life which we have yet to view. He uses these times to refine us as one would remove the impurities of precious metals, heating up the rocks with the hottest of fires causing the imperfections to rise to the surface and be removed!
“I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’
Zech 13:9 (ESV)What about you? Do you also struggle and battle with fears similar to mine? Do these types of battles diminish your faith in His protection? Or do you understand that He uses all things to bring about His design and build our relationship with Him and our strength of faith?
There are times when the circumstances of life get heavy for me and the depression I have fought with rises back up against me. I recognise that my mood is contagious, if I am happy and full of joy so is the rest of my family, and if I am irritable and low it seeps through causing a bad mood to set into the whole house. While I am mostly known to be a person of positive and high spirits, I have a hard time being that way all the time, especially behind closed doors. I feel the pressure of that weight on me and sometimes it breaks me.
I want so much to help others find the methods that helped me through the darkest times of my life. But I still have so much to learn, how can I begin to teach others? I guess once again my disorder is causing me to doubt my calling, and it is pretty much impossible to publish a blog when I am filled with doubt.
I can see so clearly ways to help future generations live a life of faith and learn to let God have His way with our lives. To bring the abundance of peace, joy and love that I see when I have visions of the future, where God is once again given ultimate authority over this place.
I see it, I believe it, but I still struggle every day to live this life as that premium version of myself!
I believe my children deserve a Mum who doesn’t drag down the mood of the house with the heaviness of depression and the instability of anxiety, yet I have to submit to the fact that God knows why He chose me for the job.
My inner enemy is always trying to convince me that my girls deserve a better mother than me. I get so disheartened when I allow the negative poison inside me to overflow out onto them. I know what damage it can do and I want more than anything to protect them from it.
I have had a rough couple of weeks, with health issues and extra emotional pressure. When I get like this I remember all too well how deep I sank into depression the first time I felt this useless. My accident left me damaged and a shell of my former self. I was unable to find any joy or peace, except in my faith. But Faith isn’t as easy to share as you may think. Faith can hold you tight by the ankle as life drags you out over a cliff, on the outside I may look like I am faithless, panicking and freaking out as I stare down into the abyss beneath me. But I manage to stay there until I am once again placed on solid ground, over and over this happens and I guess I must find comfort in knowing that I haven’t been dropped to meet my doom. My faith has held me tight, no matter how far from calm I am.
I hit my lowest point a number of years ago, in my darkest moment I believed that they would actually be better off without me. As I stared at a handful of pills, and kept half an eye on a bottle of vodka, I thought to myself ‘It’s that easy’. I cried out to God to help me! Praise God I snapped out of it! I had to accept that my illness was clouding my clarity of thought. I had to put myself in my girl’s shoes and I realised that they would not understand that I was doing this for them. All they would know was that I left them, and the thought of leaving them alone to struggle through this life without me was even scarier than the damage I thought I was already causing them.
I thank God that He gave me the help to escape the trap my mind was setting for me. I swore that day that I was going to keep on my godly armour, to surround myself with an army of angels and prevent those thoughts creeping back in.
My faith pulled me back over the edge of that cliff and put me back on solid ground, but I had to work hard, I had to keep my eyes on God, and make sure I was honest in my therapy sessions. I kept myself surrounded with people who supported me and had to distance myself from those who may not have realised it but were dragging me down.
During my recent heaviness I shared some of my thoughts with my very faithful, eldest daughter, she said many wise words but mostly she wanted me to see myself through her eyes, that she saw me as a strong, loving and faithful Mum. She also reminded me of the weight of sin Jesus carried, how heavy it was for Him. How He pleaded with God in the Garden of Gethsemane to find another way to save people, to avoid His suffering. Yet He still walked in faith and finished His horrendous job.
So, if God wants me to write, then I am going to keep trying until I finish the job! I will give Him the glory of being my strength when I am weakest.
I may not always be the best version of myself on the outside, but I find comfort in knowing that God knows what is in my heart, He has given me self-awareness and a way to be able to share that awareness with others. I pray for us all that we hold onto our faith even as we stare into the abyss below, knowing that He has got us! For us to grow together through the internal war which the inner enemy is using to try to destroy us, and to find Godly weapons to make us VICTORIOUS!
In the mighty name of your son I pray… AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!