28/08/2012
Lessons in Friendship
Something I find particularly heartbreaking is when either one of my daughters comes home from school distressed after an incident involving someone they thought was a friend.
It is just awful to view the sorrow in their gorgeous big brown eyes, and the damp eyelashes as evidence of tears shed. I want so desperately to protect my girls from repeating my mistakes, and having to learn the ‘hard way’ about the truths of friendship, yet I realise they still need to learn for themselves in order for these lessons to stick with them throughout life.
I may be slightly biased here but I have tried to teach my girls to treat others with respect and how they would like to be treated in return. Their faithful spirit is evident in they way they treat most people, they want to be forgiving and to believe a ‘problem friend’ is capable of changing into a ‘decent friend’. So they keep putting themselves back in the firing line, realising a little more each time that some friends just continue to mistreat them.
I wonder how long it will take them to firmly value healthy friendships and avoid toxic ones? I was bitten over a thousand times before I realised I had to stop putting myself in the path of destructive, unhealthy relationships.
We parents can aim to keep balanced influence over who our children befriend to some extent, by deciding who we encourage them to spend time with for play dates and sleep overs etc.
Mostly I feel it is so important to be invested in discussions about the experiences they have had with others, and share your own experiences with them.
I try not to be too judgmental, but this can be hard when your perspective has been somewhat tainted by painful memories, and there are many variables to consider when teaching my girls the reasoning I try to apply to my own friendships. I find my self saying things like…
- Give everyone a chance; Remember that everyone has inner angels and inner enemies.
- Be yourself and respectfully resist things you would prefer avoiding. (i.e. Don’t be a doormat)
- Be truthful and loyal and keep Godly principles in mind.
- Learn to enjoy your own company so you don’t rely too heavily on friendships.
- Avoid those who throw emotional tantrums when you set up your own boundaries, this is manipulation, stand firm if someone tries it on you.
- A true friend will respect your boundaries and you need to respect theirs.
- Try to be aware and keep control of your own possible emotionally manipulative behaviour.
- Observe how others handle tough situations and whether you admire them or not and why. Consider this when listening to their advice.
- Ask yourself if they are honest with you and not just tell you what you want to hear.
- Consider if they encourage you to reach your full potential, that they don’t hold you back with avoidance, distractions and unmotivated tendencies.
- If they load you up with their problems but refuse to handle them well, take a big step back and don’t get emotionally involved in their issues.
- If you view them mistreating anyone, you can be sure they will mistreat you as well at some point in time, whether you find out about it or not.
- If they purposely hurt you, tell them respectfully that you are hurt by their actions.
- If they can admit how hurtful they were and sincerely apologise, then give them another chance.
- If they don’t sincerely apologise, then be polite and continue to treat them with respect but keep your distance and your heart protected.
- If someone is out-rightly cruel and betrays your heart in a serious way, even after an apology, offer forgiveness yet keep your heart guarded, and choose carefully your future encounters with them.
I make a point of mentioning sincere apologies, as I find it impossible to accept a false apology these days; ‘Sorry’ is a word meant to express the ‘sorrow’ of regrettable events, yet it is not a sincere apology unless it is accompanied by, a few other elements, such as:
1. Acceptance of their accountability and the role they played, without placing blame elsewhere.
2. Acknowledgment of your suffering.
3. Agreeing to stop the action or behaviour they are apologising for.
4. Understanding of your guarded heart toward them afterwards.
I have encouraged my girls to share their stories of friendship and betrayal in their prayer journals, so they may look back and reflect to gain a better perspective. I also encourage them to ask God to bring them a trustworthy friend, who will value the time they share as much as each other.
A friend can be such a strong influence as to who we grow up to be, which road we take to get there, and how successful a journey it is. Some will encourage a hard and faulty road, while others will encourage goodness of character, loyalty and healthy companionship. These are the qualities I suggest my girls consider when deciding who to share this journey of life with. I pray fervently for God to keep His hand on them and I trust Him to guide and protect them. I understand the pains of life are the building blocks of a solid foundation of learning and self-awareness and I ask Him to help me be the best example of a Godly parent as I can be when sharing friendship advice with them.
Inner Angels & Enemies 