12/12/2012
Quietly Confident*
The third anniversary of my Dad’s passing is here, He is missed enormously.
Has it really been 3 whole years since I looked into your eyes? Really!?!?…..
Many things stand out to me when I reflect on who my Dad was, numerous good things, many difficult ones, some sad.
Today I am thinking of something I feel a pull to dig deeper into and treasure up into my heart, so I may emulate it in my own life. I am naturally a personality hungry for love and acceptance. Many of us are, yet not only hungry, starving even. I have tried to expect it, demand it, beg for it, manipulate it, wait for it and eventually … appreciate it.
This week I had an epiphany, I realised that for as long as I can remember I have felt a pressure upon me to compromise my own opinions and perspectives in order to avoid conflict. As if, to be loved and accepted, to enjoy the company of ‘everyone’, then I must alter my beliefs to keep the peace.
Please understand that I am pretty strong willed and rarely accommodate this change, I don’t back down or let people walk over me. However, I have let the feeling of this lack of acceptance seep deep into my convictions. I second guess myself often, or desperately try to justify and explain, and I search for ways to cope with forcefully opposing views. I find myself either giving in to the pressure over time, or putting up huge walls, or copying some behaviours of others, behaviours that are not ‘mine’, in order to feel I have something in common with them, something that might connect us.
When I was young, doing drugs, drinking and smoking eased the pressure off my reluctance to enter into a sexual relationship, because everyone else was doing ‘it’. I could still engage with my peers that way, without being rejected for being too different. Wanting to be a singer and actress, or a lawyer, was too far from what my peers envisioned for their lives, so I went into hospitality and became an expert at pouring a beer and carrying a tray. Being a Christian came with strange looks and the ‘Goody Two-shoes’ label, so I began dressing in an overly Gothic style and swearing like a sailor.
Do you see the pattern??
I was running around trying everything everyone else was doing, because I had no idea how to be strong and happy enough to just be me, and be different. I needed others to like me for being anything else, anything acceptable. Problem is…What is ‘acceptable’ can change with each new face you greet. It is an impossible bar to reach.
There is a need to be quietly confident in our beliefs, so that we don’t feel threatened when they are challenged.
I am not very good at this, because as the years have passed I have allowed this pressure to cause me to become very defensive of the person I am, the person closest to my ‘true’ self, without the influences of opposing opinions. Yet, I am on guard, certain that previous offenders will threaten my lines of certainty. It makes me anxious and I react badly, lose my composure, and therefore treat these offenders aggressively. The worst part is that these are people I care for, and also if I begin to fire off defensively, innocent people may get hit with friendly fire in the process or aftermath. I feel very far from quietly confident in these moments.
As far back as I can remember, my Dad didn’t compromise his beliefs for anyone except God. He held up his opinions against the word of God and against his relationship with God, and allowed God to challenge him and not the acceptance of people. He stood strong in his convictions against all who tried to manipulate him to change. This affected his family life and his social life to the extent where he spent many many years completely alone, with God. It wasn’t until the last decade of his life when he finally found a bunch of people who accepted him and his beliefs so that he could finally relax and enjoy the company of others.
So in order to still have people in our lives and achieve quiet confidence, we need to develop a loving way to protect our boundaries, without allowing the onslaught of attack and opposition to send us into a tizzy of defensiveness. Not everyone will fall into the category of peacefully agreeing to disagree. Some will always feel that an opposing view needs to be challenged and this can be extremely vexatious to the spirit.
Like Dad, I have begun avoiding spending time with people who can’t help but confront and try to move my boundaries. Lately there are much less times that I feel this pressure, than when I do. I have found my own bunch of people to be comfortable being myself with, who I can disagree with, without getting defensive, and not feel the slightest need to change in order to suit them, because I know they love and accept me regardless of our differing views. I don’t have to defend my boundaries, I don’t feel anxiety in their company. I can relax and be me and it’s all good.
I am going to keep working hard on being quietly confident, and lovingly protect my boundaries with those who I feel anxious around, without the overly defensive reactions. I will definitely need all of your prayers on this one, it’s a biggy!
31/10/2012
Friends or Enemies?*
A special and long time friend of mine put this statement on her facebook page recently “I asked God to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends”, it really struck a chord with me. I am sure many others can testify to the same.
When I first began breaking my habits as a ‘people pleaser’, and tried to stop doubting myself into compliance when others criticise or don’t accept me, I noticed distance began to form between me and some members of my family and friends.
It can be hard to remain close when someone makes such drastic changes to their lives and selves. The relationship may no longer hold the comforts it once did and those who can not adjust to the changes may drift away.
At first this may appear to be a bad thing, it can feel like rejection. However the freedom that comes from that distance gives much room for personal growth. This growth may not have occurred with the constant influences of those people in our lives. It also makes room for others who encourage the changes, to move closer. Those friendships we hold onto tightly, keeping them in our lives, may be the very reason we are not at peace with ourselves, or even why we haven’t made enough steps towards our personal goals. Instead of being the ally we depend upon, they may actually be enemies to our fulfillment of self.
The quality of friendships is much more important than the quantity, and true friendships are a vital piece to our sense of happiness.
The philosopher Epicurus held the following stance:
“We don’t exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness. In small comments, many of them teasing, they reveal they know our foibles and accept them and so, in turn, accept that we have a place in the world. We can ask them “Isn’t he frightening?’ or ‘Do you ever feel that…?’ and be understood, rather than encounter the puzzled ‘No, not particularly’ – which can make us feel, even when in company, as lonely as polar explorers.” (Quote from the book I am currently reading ‘The Consolations of Philosophy’ by Alain De Botton)
In the same book I read the following statement, which helped me clear out the belief that I must give authority to the opinions of those who oppose me, as they must be able to see it clearer than I or they wouldn’t be so quick to criticise. How wrong I was…
“Errors in our thoughts and way of life can, at no point and in no way, ever be proven simply by the fact that we have run into opposition. It is in the soundness of their method of thinking that should determine the weight we give to their disapproval.” – Socrates (The Consolations of Philosophy’ by Alain De Botton)
Until I began to question the sound logic of those opinions held by my criticisers, I tried hard to gain their understanding, acceptance and approval. Yet at the same time I kept developing my internal understanding, which began to outgrow them. This diatribe of mixed messages caused so much confusion that I believed at times I was losing my mind!
Learn from my mistakes! Challenge opposition and criticism, by thinking in a methodical way, so as to gain understanding and awareness of oneself and truth. Maintain your own personal growth regardless of who’s understanding or approval you may outgrow.
Inner Angels & Enemies 