07/03/2019
Shifting The Blame
I’m pretty lucky to have found a select group of people who defy our current untrustworthy culture. The people I trust in this world are far from perfect, none of us are. The reason this group are trusted is because they own their own shit. They have the courage to have the hard conversations, to admit when they’ve let their emotions get the better of them, to recognise when they deserve the consequences for those times they refused to listen to their conscience, and to face someone to address issues without resorting to abuse, gossip or slander.
These people give me so much hope! Though sadly, they are few and far between.
Our culture is so warped, it has become too scared to admit its faults (possibly for fear of a liability suit) that we’ve lost the art of conflict resolution. Its far more common to make excuses or ignore personal faults and magnify these same faults in others, than to seek resolution to conflicts with a little honesty, humility and compassion.
The masses of legal action pointing fingers at human errors has gotten way out of hand, and had some serious consequences on they way we resolve societal problems. It’s almost as if we find our flawed humanity as far too big an inconvenience that we no longer accept it as part of reality. We are now shocked beyond words when we suffer at the hands of someones mistake, and allow that shock to catapult our emotions into condemnation and worse. The rage increases when they refuse to own up, surely denial adds to the injustice, and yet saying sorry now admits liability, so we just don’t hear it.
But there is something profound about a genuine apology, it can resolve so much tension. Maybe we would hear more apologies if society just remembered how to accept one, without always demanding compensation. There is no denying that we all mess up royally from time to time, and people get hurt, yet there’s something wonderful about being able to admit your flaws without fear of ridicule and rejection.
It has only been in the last half of my life that I got to experience the value of these things. Once I understood the grace of Christ, I knew I could be honest with myself and with Him. This gave me the courage to be honest with others as well.
It was just over 18 years ago when I hit the bottom of my shame pit. My behaviour had gotten so out of hand, I was the worst version of myself and the shame of it almost killed me. I clearly remember sitting down with a friend and confessing it all. I’m not sure why I felt I could open up and tell this guy my innermost skeletons, but I still did it. I expected shock, horror and a lot of guilt trips, but instead he barely battered an eyelash, he listened, he understood and strangely enough he still saw my value. That man showed me what its like to not have to hide my flaws out of fear of rejection, instead I felt loved like I never had before. See, people often ‘love’ our best selves, yet hold our worst self against us, like a trophy of our worthlessness. A trophy that gives them permission to berate and belittle and condemn. Not this guy. He saw my absolute worst and ended up marrying me anyway! (Go figure)
I’m not sure how we can undo the damage this blame culture is having on our relationships and our lives. We have become bound up by so much red tape that no one knows who is accountable for what anymore. The lines of accountability are so blurred that we no longer know which way is up!
So once again I fall at the feet of Our Saviour and plead with Him to help us learn how to love each other at our worst and not be so offended by human faults, and to bring back the beauty of self-awareness. Then we may no longer have to hide our sins, no longer have to pretend we aren’t scared and broken and capable of hurting people. Can we see ourselves through God’s eyes and claim our limitless worth and face our demons, for we all have both. None are innocent, yet all are loved.
14/08/2012
Fighting against the Sexual Tsunami!
Did the Baby Boomers have any idea how quickly the destruction of their children’s innocence would take effect when they allowed sexually charged images to flood our television screens? Did they picture their daughters grinding and gyrating to songs like, ‘Freak Me Baby’ or ‘Sweat Alalalalala Long’ or SaltnPeppa’s ‘Shoop’ when they gave their approval to play them on the radio? Did they realise that widespread acceptance of family break-ups would leave more and more single parents to battle alone against the ‘Sexual Tsunami’ white washing across their children’s world?
I am generation X, is that X as in X-Rated?
As I ponder the next phase of my role as the mother of a Teenage Daughter, praying for ways to equip her for the next stage of her young life, I find myself spending a lot of time thinking back to when I was a young girl myself.
Before my parents separated my Dad was very strict about what he allowed his children to be exposed to, we weren’t allowed to watch the same television shows as my school friends or listen to Top 40 on the radio. We could watch the News and Game Shows and listen to Christian music or music from my parent’s youth, The Beetles and Fleetwood Mac. When it was left to my Mum to decide what restrictions to place on her children I noticed that we wore her down, bit by bit, to being given more freedom than we ever had when Dad was around. It wasn’t long before we watched ‘Neighbours’ religiously instead of going to church, we knew every word to every song played on Video Hits, the more risqué’ the more we wanted to watch. We viewed our Dad’s restrictions as a fanatical strait-jacket.
Now it is our turn as parents to build the sexual platform we wish to send along with our children as they venture into the world. Restrictions have had their place, while explanations have had more. We can’t simply hide the world from their eyes, we must prepare them for what they are sure to see. They are Generation Y, so perhaps our focus as parents could, instead of telling them what not to do, explain why they shouldn’t? Why shouldn’t they take drugs? Why shouldn’t they jump into bed with someone, if they feel like it? Why shouldn’t they break the law? Why shouldn’t they dress like prostitutes? It used to be easy to tell who was a street walker and who wasn’t simply by the way they presented themselves to attract the sexual attention of the opposite sex, now that modesty is almost completely out the window, it seems everyone wants to attract sexual attention of any kind and the line between the two worlds has become blurred. Why? Sex Sells! That’s what they say. Sex may draw the desired attraction in marketing, but what is the true cost of exposing our children to overly sexualised images and sounds from the minute they can open their eyes?
While we are too distracted by our busy, chaotic, emotionally charged lives, the boundary lines are being moved, inch by inch behind shades of grey (pun intended), desensitising our resistance, numbing our opposition, giving free reign to the ‘powers that be’ to allow corruption of our virtue and destruction of the innocence of our children.
Many years ago I watched a video series by Lisa Bevere called Purity’s Power. The series was directed at adolescent and young women, and touched on many topics often left in the dark, specifically the sexuality of women in the 21st Century. It answered many questions of why and why not, it was jammed packed with information, honest and open discussions, and completely inspired with Godly principles of purity. I watched all 4 brilliant sessions and the whole time I kept thinking, ‘I am definately going to show this to my girls when they get old enough for it to be appropriate’.
Seeing as my eldest daughter has now reached the age where she and her friends have begun to notice boys, they have to cope with all those extra feelings running amuck inside them, and are exposed to intense sexual provocation at every turn, I decided it was time to introduce my gorgeous girl to ‘Purity’s Power’, to help her answer many questions about sex, promiscuity and the power of purity.
I feel overwhelmed at times, and discouraged by my minimal effect on the world’s awareness of these things, however, I trust my children into God’s hands with prayer and sacrifice. I educate them with my own wayward experiences and all the shame, consequences of those decisions. I pray for the army of inner angels to fight hard against those enemies trying to derail all attempts to protect my daughters from the devious wiles saturating their world.
My Darling Girls, I may not be able to protect you from this onslaught entirely, but I can help you learn to use the weapons available and encourage you to withstand against it. It is up to you how far you allow your flesh to be tempted, it is your choice to look away or seek out more. Keeping close to the Lord will help strengthen you in the midst of this battle. Remember that this place is a place to be tested and to learn, and no matter what, God love’s you, He is pressing up against your life waiting to be invited in to guide you to a life of victory and joy, rather than fear and shame.
“I will help you build your armor, but you’ll have to wear it by yourself”
Lyrics from ‘A Lucky Life’ by Australian singer songwriter Clare Bowditch.
Please view the clip below about Lisa Bevere’s Series ‘Kissed the girls and made them cry’. Get your daughters the curriculum package with “Purity’s Power” included, I cannot recommend it enough! Together we can set up the next generation to avoid the traps set for them by the enemy.
09/06/2012
Broken Hearted Children*
So often I hear stories and see with my own eyes the damage brought about when parents separate. Children from split families often struggle with insecurity, and a string of psychological conditions. This is a subject extremely close to my heart, as I was estranged from my father from the age of 10 until I was an adult, and I still battle with the internal scars it caused me.
After doing some research I found some shocking statistics effecting children whose parents are no longer together. Not only are the children from split families prone to psychological distress, which lasts well into adulthood. These statistics also showed frightening increased levels in the following areas when compared to children from homes with both parents, these include; lower grades, poverty, poor health, suicidal tendencies, incarceration, teen drug and alcohol abuse, early sexual encounters, and the likelihood of being victims of child abuse and assault. 40% of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers; commonly the case in Australia also. Half of the children in America and Australia will witness the separation or divorce of their parents. A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure”.
It seems that many marriage vows are no longer taken as an actual ‘vow’, it is a promise too easily broken, same goes for people who chose to have children together without considering how the child may be effected if there is no family unit. For example when I learned of my teen pregnancy I knew I would manage on my own just as my Mum had, but I never considered how my child might be affected by who her father was. It seemed irrelevant to me, because I was a child who grew up without a father, and at that time I thought I had turned out ok. (Ha! I can tick off well over half of the points above!)
Due to the rampant popularity of sex before marriage, it has become more common to agree to have a child with someone before we have even decided if we would marry them. Having a child together should be acknowledged as an even stronger commitment than marriage, yet this often fails to be the case. Children from separated families raising their own children are sometimes unable to see the consequences from that separation, as they have not developed the self-awareness to see their true internal stability or instability yet. Therefore the cycle continues and increases throughout society.
So often in our relationships we allow too easily the bumps of life to divide us, we live in a throw away, walk away society which has destructive, devastating consequences to the development of our characters and the spiritual “footprints” we leave behind. Western culture allows us to choose our own life partners, we choose out of emotion, need and desire, and then quickly, easily, we doubt our choice. Perhaps we assume it was the wrong choice because our previous lessons came from one of our bad decisions. Perhaps its because we didn’t apply Godly principles of LOVE to our relationships. Perhaps it is just too hard and we give up in search of something easier, of course we forget that it was not meant to be easy. For children this destroys their ingrained belief in the capability of their parents. The very foundation of a child’s perspective of stability and security comes from the belief that their parents are the most capable people on earth, they look to them for reassurance. When parents fail to work on their relationship and it breaks down, so does the trust of their children in them.
The emotions behind the reasons we chose our life partners are fickle! Once powerful and thought-consuming, eventually will change, develop, or even disappear completely over time. We are humans with much baggage and sin, and we expect our life partners to miraculously fill our empty places and help us carry the baggage weighing us down, and that means they are hoping the same from us also. Love and sexual connections actually allow our baggage and sinful nature to rise to the surface, so that we can face it and deal with it together as a couple. However, the ‘Better or Worse’ promise only seems to apply when we see their ‘better’ side, and we stop loving them when faced with their ‘worst’, too often facing each others sinful baggage causes much heartache and leads to bitterness and separation.
Speaking from personal experience, this is something I spend most of my time in therapy dealing with. The essence of both parents is within a child; therefore any bitterness viewed by a child from one parent toward the other is identified in some way as bitterness towards a part of them. It sends confusing messages into the inner foundation of their self-love and security.
Due to this inner battle, where I turned this bitterness upon myself, I have suffered from an incredible amount of insecurity, unsure of how anyone can truly love me because it took years for me to learn to accept myself, like myself, let alone LOVE myself.
The enemy within knows our inner wounds and is out to destroy the foundation of all of God’s designs, especially the functional family unit.The inner enemy can exaggerate our emotions, pointing to the hurt or painful memories over and over, knowing the action that follows will be a destructive one. We owe it to our children to use our inner angels to war against these emotions, striving to make sure our actions are the result of a selfless, logical decision and not a selfish, emotional one. We need to call on our Heavenly Father, knowing that our obedience to Him allows His promise to protect our children to be fulfilled.
Didn’t we make a secret promise to our children when we became parents? We would do anything to keep them safe. Their inner security is vital when determining the ‘safer’ path they will walk in their lives and it is our duty to steady their feet for their journey ahead.
References
- http://www.families.org.au/default.aspx?go=article&aid=925&tid=1
- http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html
Inner Angels & Enemies 