02/06/2012

The Battle Continues!**

Posted in Encouragement, Family, Finding Faith, Self-Awareness tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:22 pm by The Water Bearer

There are times when the circumstances of life get heavy for me and the depression I have fought with rises back up against me. I recognise that my mood is contagious, if I am happy and full of joy so is the rest of my family, and if I am irritable and low it seeps through causing a bad mood to set into the whole house. While I am mostly known to be a person of positive and high spirits, I have a hard time being that way all the time, especially behind closed doors. I feel the pressure of that weight on me and sometimes it breaks me.

I want so much to help others find the methods that helped me through the darkest times of my life. But I still have so much to learn, how can I begin to teach others? I guess once again my disorder is causing me to doubt my calling, and it is pretty much impossible to publish a blog when I am filled with doubt.

I can see so clearly ways to help future generations live a life of faith and learn to let God have His way with our lives. To bring the abundance of peace, joy and love that I see when I have visions of the future, where God is once again given ultimate authority over this place.

I see it, I believe it, but I still struggle every day to live this life as that premium version of myself!

I believe my children deserve a Mum who doesn’t drag down the mood of the house with the heaviness of depression and the instability of anxiety, yet I have to submit to the fact that God knows why He chose me for the job.

My inner enemy is always trying to convince me that my girls deserve a better mother than me. I get so disheartened when I allow the negative poison inside me to overflow out onto them. I know what damage it can do and I want more than anything to protect them from it.

I have had a rough couple of weeks, with health issues and extra emotional pressure. When I get like this I remember all too well how deep I sank into depression the first time I felt this useless. My accident left me damaged and a shell of my former self. I was unable to find any joy or peace, except in my faith. But Faith isn’t as easy to share as you may think. Faith can hold you tight by the ankle as life drags you out over a cliff, on the outside I may look like I am faithless, panicking and freaking out as I stare down into the abyss beneath me. But I manage to stay there until I am once again placed on solid ground, over and over this happens and I guess I must find comfort in knowing that I haven’t been dropped to meet my doom. My faith has held me tight, no matter how far from calm I am.

I hit my lowest point a number of years ago, in my darkest moment I believed that they would actually be better off without me. As I stared at a handful of pills, and kept half an eye on a bottle of vodka, I thought to myself ‘It’s that easy’. I cried out to God to help me! Praise God I snapped out of it! I had to accept that my illness was clouding my clarity of thought. I had to put myself in my girl’s shoes and I realised that they would not understand that I was doing this for them. All they would know was that I left them, and the thought of leaving them alone to struggle through this life without me was even scarier than the damage I thought I was already causing them.

I thank God that He gave me the help to escape the trap my mind was setting for me. I swore that day that I was going to keep on my godly armour, to surround myself with an army of angels and prevent those thoughts creeping back in.

My faith pulled me back over the edge of that cliff and put me back on solid ground, but I had to work hard, I had to keep my eyes on God, and make sure I was honest in my therapy sessions. I kept myself surrounded with people who supported me and had to distance myself from those who may not have realised it but were dragging me down.

During my recent heaviness I shared some of my thoughts with my very faithful, eldest daughter, she said many wise words but mostly she wanted me to see myself through her eyes, that she saw me as a strong, loving and faithful Mum. She also reminded me of the weight of sin Jesus carried, how heavy it was for Him. How He pleaded with God in the Garden of Gethsemane to find another way to save people, to avoid His suffering. Yet He still walked in faith and finished His horrendous job.

So, if God wants me to write, then I am going to keep trying until I finish the job! I will give Him the glory of being my strength when I am weakest.

I may not always be the best version of myself on the outside, but I find comfort in knowing that God knows what is in my heart, He has given me self-awareness and a way to be able to share that awareness with others. I pray for us all that we hold onto our faith even as we stare into the abyss below, knowing that He has got us! For us to grow together through the internal war which the inner enemy is using to try to destroy us, and to find Godly weapons to make us VICTORIOUS!

In the mighty name of your son I pray… AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

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14 Comments »

  1. Kind of touched by this Article. Faith will always have its place. I just don’t believe that any single religion has a monopoly of the truth. Perhaps we are all seeing something divine from different angles.

    For most people, I think the benefits of having a religion far surpasses the costs. Except if you are raised an extremist terrorists….

    ~ E

    Like

    • Touche’! ..Thank you so much for visiting my blog! And for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts! I completely understand your position when it comes to “religion”. I think you would enjoy my post God…. Really?
      and would be blessed if you would read it, it will explain why I agree with your comment and yet why I continue to have Faith!
      Thanks again! Best of Luck to you!

      Like

      • Welcome. I will stay here for awhile. You started in April 2012 right? Lot of juicy new stuff then. ^^

        Another thing, there is no option to follow your blog. Its easier for me to keep track with your new posts if you have a follow/subscribe option.

        I love your blog design. Its simple and sleek. I think it suits your theme quite well.

        Keep on writing!

        ~ E

        Like

      • Very grateful for your wonderful feedback! Will look into the follow button. I do have a few followers so it must be possible somehow. 🙂

        Like

  2. It should be one of the options in the settings tab. Do ping me here when you get the button working. Winks!

    Like

    • Thank you so much! I finally got the Follow Button up… Might make it a bit easier now. I really appreciate all the help I can get, as you mentioned I am very new to all this blogging business, but must admit I am hooked. I am loving the interaction with fellow writers.
      p.s. I meant to enter the link to the post which I recomended you read (God…Really?) I have now fixed that comment and put the link in properly. Yay another win! ;o)

      Like

      • Yippee! I am a follower now. ^^ I will read your article on God in awhile. Interacting with other Bloggers are fun.

        You will find some really mean ones ( that you enjoy poking), some really nice ones (like yourself) or very confused ones (like myself)!

        ~ E

        Like

      • Geez thanks muchly…. I Love your blog.. Wow you are a busy guy huh?!?

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  3. Talei said,

    hey honey, i love this one, dont know why but it didnt come to my email like most of the other ones. not sure why but i just come to have a look at how great your doing. i love that your helping others aswel as yourself by doing this (not only me lol) i understand your down times better than most because i know you so well and because i go there aswel xoxo been there with the vodka and pills a few times but i always manage to get back up. i gotta find more faith like you know but everyones gotta start somewhere i guess.. lov ya heaps xoxoxo

    Like

    • Thanks for understanding and for dropping by! Yes faith helps more than imaginable, but we still get hit hard testing if we will keep trusting no matter what. Amen he hasn’t dropped either of us off the cliff. Hang in there my dear friend. Luv u lots too xxx

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  4. I relate to this very much! When I blog about depression, I usually write while I am in the pit and coming out..but then I have to wait a few weeks before I can publish it. I have to wait until I get a safe distance away from the feelings. It just seems easier that way. and I know what you mean about the struggle “how can I help others when i’m still stuck in this?!” I just keep coming back to this: It is HIS strength that helps others. His Word, His Grace, His Son. So my weakness does not disqualify me, and it did not disqualify the others who He has used throughout history.

    We are weak but we are LOVED.
    And the LOVED part- that makes all the difference.
    🙂
    Emily
    http://www.weakandloved.com

    Like

    • HI Emily!! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment, for your encouragement and for compassionately sharing the truth of God’s Love even when we are weak. It is so very true. HE is the only reason I could publish this post or any of them, Amen!
      Thank you for dropping by, I am looking forward to connecting more on this fragile and yet powerful subject.

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  5. This touched me because I am fighting the same battle. Trying to be strong for those who need me, but I can’t seem to see what they see. I’m really glad I read this. It affirms my thoughts that God can and will provide me with all that I need. He will see me through the storms. I pray victory and blessings into you and your families life. Thank you for writing through the hurt.

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    • Thank you so much MizzMack, It is such a blessing to me that you found something useful for you from my struggles. That makes it all worth it! Blessings to you! 🙂

      Like


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